Today I went to my first ever therapy session with a psychologist. Don't worry, I'm not going to air my dirty laundry here. I just want to muse over the idea of visiting a therapist. I found it an interesting experience and I would like to consider it as a thing unto itself.
I have to admit that I was nervous to go there and share my story, or rather all the stories that add up to my story. I mean, I know it's a psychologist's job to be supportive and non-judgemental, but my experience with people is that they aren't always what they are meant to be. So, how can you trust them with some of your darkest thoughts and closest guarded feelings?
Well, I mean, it helps that you can tell that this person was genuinely listening. You can tell when people are distracted or don't really care. Or perhaps worse is when you are going through something and someone points out to you that it could be worse. They invalidate your pain, your struggle, your suffering. It's not about how it could have been worse or how somebody else has gone through worse. Your pain is real and it's your pain to deal with.
Perhaps that was the most surprising part of this for me. I sort of expected the therapist to be professional but more distant. I expected them to calmly and matter of factly tell me that what I was dealing with wasn't that bad and could be dealt with. What I did not expect was for the psychologist to close their eyes like they were suffering on my behalf. What I expected less was for them to explain to me that layers and layers of trauma were informing some of my outlook on the world.
Trauma.
That sounds like a harsh word. But honestly using the word trauma was freeing. It made me feel like I was allowed to be as crushed and upset as I am by what I've been through. I don't have to compare or stand next to a measurement and be found wanting on a scale of who has dealt with the worst things in life. It is irrelevant how many worse things could have been done to me. The only thing that is relevant is how the trauma, my particular trauma, has left scars and what to do with it now.
In a way, acknowledging that my pain is real, was the kindest thing anyone could do. And letting me know that it really is hard to sort through these things is in a strange way a reassurance too. It means that if you struggle to fix it on your own it's not because you're broken. It's because some things are too big to be dealt with alone. And that's not some failing on your part. If it was as simple as do x, y, and z, you would have done it already.
So, I very stereotypically cried through a majority of this, the very first session. But it was cathartic in a way. It felt more productive than the times I've cried over these traumas with friends. Maybe because I was allowed to be completely and unabashedly traumatised by them instead of trying to keep it together and present a strong side so as not to worry anyone.
So, I hope that seeing this professional will help me deal with my trauma going forward and help me reclaim my life a little bit. I refuse to let past trauma and fear rule who I am today and in the future. I don't know if this resonates with anyone but that has been my experience today.
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