Sunday 31 May 2020

The Reason We Must Try Harder to Actually Communicate, Especially When We Are Different

I just read a thing by a dear friend of mine saying that "if you claim you're not a political person you are lying, you're apathetic and you're an ignorant asshole who is a part of the problem".

Now, let me start by saying that I agree, apathy and ignorance are not acceptable traits.  I think we should avoid ignorance and apathy and try as far as possible to stay informed and active in our communities.

But now, if you will allow me to speak my mind, I will disagree with some of her points.  If I tell you I'm "not a political person" what I'm saying is that I don't want to engage in the conversation you want to have.  You are not entitled to my opinions just because you want to have a conversation.  I'm not in any way required to share my opinions with you if the conversation you want to have is insulting, emotional, illogical and most importantly not an actual conversation.  If you want to talk fine, but don't yell at me if you want to rant and I don't feel inclined to listen to you.

I do usually tell people I'm "not a political person".  This is not because I'm ignorant, and it's not because I'm apathetic.  That's the opposite of reality.  I feel way too strongly about so many things that go on in the world.  I just choose not to voice them with people who open conversations with inflammatory remarks, whether or not I agree with their points.  I have no desire to be involved in a "conversation" that is actually a rant about how you are right and smart and good and everyone who disagrees with you is evil.  You might even be right, smart and good, and everyone who disagrees with you might be evil, but if you're just looking to rant about it, I don't want to be involved.

Now, I know what my friend is getting at.  There are a lot of people who cloak ignorance and apathy with the self-righteous mantle of being "not-political".  But it is not everyone.  Sometimes the people who are telling you they are "not-political" are just those of us trying not to get shouted at for something that isn't our fault.  I'm trying to be very broad because this is something that happens to me often over many issues.  I'll give a quick example.  I had a cousin, who didn't like that I didn't share a political view of hers.  In a discussion when I stated my views, she said "educated people think the way I do."  I walked away, because it was clear that this wasn't going to be a conversation, it was going to turn into a place to say things we regretted.  That didn't mean I'm wasn't aware of the details (or the injustices) of this particular point.  Walking away didn't even mean that I wouldn't act on the issue.  It just meant "I don't want to talk to YOU about it anymore."

I am a very non vocal person about my political views and stances.  But it doesn't mean I don't vote, sign petitions, etc.  I resent being called an ignorant, apathetic, asshole because I won't engage in a heated, futile, exchange on social media.  Shouting electronically at someone you aren't even talking to in person does not actually accomplish anything.  It certainly isn't doing good.

I honestly think that posting inflammatory comments on social media only rouses more inflammatory remarks from both sides.  Angry words online have never made a situation better.  This is why I appreciate and respect people who don't just post their own rants in angry language in an attempt to make others angry.  (Or worse still, those who want to wound others verbally simply because they are angry and they can't handle the emotion without inflicting it on others.)  I appreciate it when people actually provide a way to help change whatever situation they feel needs changing.  I appreciate those that include links to petitions, or news about what is on ballots, or how and where to join a rally etc.  Actionable advice.

Of course this is a fine line.  Sometimes just sharing the information is what is necessary for the situation.  Sometimes the situation is that people aren't aware of the injustices going on and broader segments of the population need to understand that there are, in fact, injustices.  In these cases it is important to share the facts, but your opinions aren't needed with them.  Truth can stand on its own two feet.  Calm, rational, logical facts are necessary and can change minds and cause action.

And Action is what is really, truly necessary!

Yes, sometimes writing about or telling other people about an injustice is the action required.  More often, voting, signing petitions, attending rallies, and PEACEFUL protests is required.  If you are talking to people who don't understand or see your side, it's going to be rough.  But what is required is one on one rational conversations to really attempt to understand the other side first and then and only then trying to explain the other side of that coin to them.

That's the hardest part, you have to actually try to understand why the other person believes what they say, what the core fears are that they are expressing to you in their negative beliefs.  They are usually emotional fears not based in facts.  You have to understand what fears they are expressing and that there is a kernel of truth buried under that emotion even if the trappings are irrational.  You have to listen to what they mean, not what they are saying if you're going to have any hope of persuading people.  People say and do things that make no sense when they are afraid and unaware of reality.

You see, no matter how angry and right you are, if you shout your views at someone it doesn't help.  What good does it do if you tell a close friend that they're ignorant because they don't agree with you?  Even if they are ignorant, will they be more willing to hear your side and arguments?  Does it help anybody if you say insulting things to people who don't agree with you?  Or to those who haven't yet learned all the facts about a situation yet?

Shouldn't ignorance be met with patient facts?  Don't yell at the ignorant, calmly educate them with reason.  And if you cannot, then walk away, but don't shout at them.  It solves nothing.

Shouldn't apathy be met with an appeal to humanity?  Not a shouting, insulting response that at the very best, has the likely result of helping to shovel extra sand onto the ostrich's buried head, and at worst of rousing resentful anger towards you and your entire cause.

Shouldn't wrong ideas be met with right ones?  Politely explaining the right things, not just addressing a wrong with another wrong.

Yes, as a student of history, I know all too well that peaceful protests do not always garner good results.  But we do not respect Gandhi because he got beat up once and then started a violent revolt.  We respect him because he and his followers took the high road and never once backed down.  Helping to awaken the sleeping to a new woke world is not a road for the feint of heart.  It is a long, lonely road filled with hardships and that is exactly why we must take it.  Because we must believe that eyes can open and minds can be changed.  We must believe that the future can be sculpted into something new and just and equal with perseverance and enough helping hands.

Shouldn't friends be able to politely, and yes firmly, disagree without devolving into insults?

However wrong they are, insulting the other side has never won any allies.  And when we are talking about systemic injustice, we need to enlist every person we can to our cause as an ally.  Alienating those willing to listen out of the heat of anger and a mean spirit, helps nobody, and brings no justice to those you claimed you were fighting for. (I'm speaking of those who shout at friends and create enemies out of them.)

Is there still room among the Woke for those who are just awakening?  Think long and hard about that before you answer, because if you do not believe so you are dooming us through a self-fulfilling prophecy to a world that cannot change, a world full of eyes that cannot open.  

Now, this is has all very vague, because I believe it applies to so very many political discussions, and disagreements I've personally experienced over the years.

However, if you'll permit, I'd like to be more specific at this juncture.

There are occasions where something must be said, and to as many people as possible.  Wrong is wrong.  And it must be demanded that justice is pursued for those wrongs.  The oppression of a person based on their skin color, gender, religion, ethnicity or national origin cannot be tolerated.  Abuse of power is wrong.  Murder is wrong.  Black lives MATTER.  ALL lives matter.  Every single life matters and we cannot stay silent when any lives are taken violently and publicly: especially those who belong to a minority that have been repeatedly marginalized by our society through long-lasting cycles of oppression, poverty and prejudice.  Until every life taken through violence receives the same justice we are not safe.  IF any person can decide who is worthy of justice we are none of us safe and free.  And we cannot stop fighting for equality and justice and safety and freedom until all of us have it.

We must pass laws that require fair and equal treatment of all people.  Yes.  But we must also gain public awareness AND support.  This must be done with patience, kindness, and the kind of perseverance that is willing to talk one on one with the people you don't agree with, and probably don't much respect.

I won't say anything else.  I've probably already said too much.  I'll simply show you what we need more of in this world.  We need more of the tough, patient, peaceable and persistent conversations that so rarely happen these days.

We need this kind of communication.




We need more of this kind of communication.  Because communication, real communication, tough, uncomfortable, patient and firm communication can change people and can change minds.  This one video of a Black Lives Matter protest at a Trump rally is proof of that.

May we all live to see better days.

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