What is my Car squeaking about?

"Chitty squeak, clackety screech" the dashboard in the car sings merrily as we drive about town. It sings like it's someone's Great Aunt Ethel, with a high-pitched voice that is both annoying and familiar; nattering away non-stop as you drive.  Maybe my car is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's stately relative Great Aunt Ethel.  You don't think cars have great aunts and sing?  Well, apparently you haven't met my car.

If my car really is a Great Aunt Ethel type, it is no doubt telling you to "be careful, and slow down, and watch out for that squirrel, and did you know that your cousin three times removed on your father's side had recently bought those horrid foot gloves that masquerade as shoes and I can't see how it's going to improve her appearance any, and don't you just love those red bougainvillea plants they planted in the median?"

Or maybe it's not Great Aunt Ethel after all.  Maybe the car is singing its own song about roads, stoplights and gas tanks and the smell of freshly paved asphalt roads in the morning.  Perhaps, the car is singing a song that goes "every day out of the junk yard is a good day!"

Maybe I'm driving a cheery realist around town.  He knows and accepts his fate with a dash of cheer, realism, and song.  Its squeaky rattling tune tells of its happiness to be living the life of an automobile to the fullest.  I have enough gas and enough working parts to keep driving, so driving I will go.  Three cheers for working motors!

Or maybe my car is plotting mutiny.  It plans to wait til we have set sail on a long journey of enormous importance and break down leaving us stranded in an inhospitable section of shark infested waters.  Maybe its little creaking symphony is the mutinous mumblings of a car that fancies itself abused and overworked that will crash on purpose at the earliest convenience with a raucous shout of "Drink up mechanics yo ho!" right before it careens full sail into a ditch with faulty brakes.  Just maybe.  Of course, I could just be imagining all of this because I have an advanced case of scurvy induced madness, anything is possible, right?

Whatever it is my car sings or mutters about, it certainly does so at a constant rate.  Sometimes the squeaking cacophony is almost soothing while others it's enough to drive you mad in a mere handful of blocks.  Maybe if I roll a window down a bit it will drown out Great Aunt Ethel's helpful nattering.  Or perhaps, I ought to join in with the song... "every day out of the junk yard is goooooooood day!"  Everyone can use a healthy dose of cheery realism once in awhile, right?

The Sordid History of Couplets

How one line got lonely and started a relationship with another line.  
   

Photo via Flickr - "Poems" by Pascal Maramis

The Couplet was once just a lonely sentence
Whose thought didn't quite seem ended.
He thought he'd date the following line
Who thought that he looked mighty fine.
But their relationship was quickly ended
the moment the bad poet penned it.
For a lonely couplet is only truly fine
When it's made to be paired in perfect rhyme
Not when it starts a love affair
Out of loneliness and lack of punctuation.

Beards being radical and radically maddening?

This ancient stone figure is looking pretty shady with his curly beard. - Photo via Flickr "Beard" by Quinn Dombrowski

Tajikistan shaves beards to stop radicalization...

Shaving beards to stop radicalization?  You can read the article here.  And you will probably come to the same conclusion that almost any rational person would.  "That's stupid" you'll say.  "Mad," says I.  And we'd be right you know.

This is the maddest thing you've ever heard of.  And it's not just because it's the sort of headline that you can imagine an insane person like myself coming up with.  It's not just that you suspect it will turn out to be a piece written by The Onion.  Oh no.  It's not even the fact that it's true that makes it the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard of.  (Though I don't know what you've heard of, so perhaps it is...)

But the real truth is that this is the maddest thing to happen in the modern world precisely because it's been done before.  You are laughing, I can tell.  You don't believe me.  But it's all perfectly true.  The strangest things in this world are the facts.  No great work of fiction can ever rival the madness of real life.  "But, seriously," you think to yourself.  "It can't have happened before."

"Ah," I say knowingly.... "but it did.... many years ago in Russia."

The beard revolts.  Peter the 1st decided that Russia needed to be westernized.  And one of the ways that he thought he should go about this was to dispense with all the beards in his country and ensure that he and his countrymen were all clean shaven.  So he instituted a beard tax and tried to get the populace at large to shave.  Just as the Tajikistan police have been shaving the beards of their male population.  Since, beards in Russia were not just a choice of facial hair, but an ingrained part of the culture, the beard shaving was not met with much favor.  And I'm sure it will not be met with much favor in Tajikistan either.

Now, the article states that Tajik culture is what they are trying to uphold with this, er, practice.  But what it fails to mention is that beard wearing is very much a part of Muslim culture, which constitutes a whopping 99% of their citizens.  So, say what you like about beards being cultural.  Even if you can convincingly argue that beards are not an ingrained part of Tajik culture I still can't see anyone being pleased to be forcibly shaved.  Hair, whether facial or otherwise is rather personal and being forced to shave is not just shocking it's insulting as well.  Having a beard does not make you radical.  However, as the article suggests, having your beard forcibly shaved might make you into a radical.

In Russia, the people weren't having any of the beard shaving.  They revolted.  The beard revolts were large, violent and well, very Russian.  But the point is, forcing someone to shave their beard never solved anything.  It didn't westernize the Russian peasant automatically and it won't de-radicalize anyone automatically either.  It will only incite anger and possibly violence.

And the maddest thing of all is not that it's happening, which I think you and I might both agree is mad, but that it's happened before.

There really is nothing new under the sun.

Sadly, for those of us historians unfortunate enough to be well read, we are doomed to watch history repeating itself.  Slowly unfolding with it's inevitable consequences right before our eyes while we shout and rage in impotent frustration.

Just call me Cassandra.

(In case you aren't up on your ancient history.... ironic considering the post, no?  Anyway, I'm referring to that prophetess of Greek mythology; doomed to know the future but cursed so that nobody would ever believe her.  Yes, you ancient Greeks, thanks a lot for that one.)

And if I've just left you depressed I will give you a peace offering.  I'll leave you with two different articles.  An article on beards that is going in the opposite direction.  Read it here and don't dwell too much on the madness of the world.  And if that isn't enough to raise your spirits I offer you The Onion's take on beards here.  Just to amuse you, or to make you pause and think about how differently beards can be viewed.  Radical?  Conversation tool?  Hipster?

Photo via Flickr "beard" by urban_data

On the Beauty of Showers

Sometimes a person just needs a shower.  Maybe you need a nice long shower because your family can get on your nerves but they can't follow you in the shower.  Or maybe it's because warm water just makes everything better.  Or maybe it's really just that you feel antsy because you really desperately need to feel clean.

Whatever, the reason, sometimes you just need a shower.  It refreshes you, cleans you and somehow freshens your mind and attitude.  Sometimes, after a long day of gardening, being slobbered on by dogs and arguing with your family you just need to hop in the shower and clean yourself off and start all over.

It's remarkable how many ailments can be cured by a shower.

• Headaches - cured
• That crawly feeling you get if you saw a spider too close to you but can't see it anymore - cured
• Dry eyes- cured
• The feeling of being encased in slime after a particularly slobbery dog kiss - cured
• Dry cough - cured (well at least temporarily) 
• The "my hands will never be the same again" because I've been gardening all day feeling - cured
• If you have a cold and your head is stuffed up - temporary cure
• The "ugh I'm disgusting I can't go anywhere" feeling induced by dirt and dirty hair - cured
• Exhaustion - cured (at least long enough to make and consume dinner before slowly melting into bed)
• "I just got a haircut" itchiness - cured
• Early morning "I hate the world because it's too early" syndrome - almost cured (and that's saying something)
• Exercising is the worst thing ever I'll never do it again feeling - cured (again impressive)
• The sand and salt from my beach trip is weighing me down feeling - cured
• Feeling too cold - cured
• Muscle soreness - cured
• The feeling of being encrusted with a sparkly skin disease a.k.a. glitter - cured
• The "I'm too old for this ****" feeling - cured

Ok, so they aren't really a list of ailments.  But look at how many feelings that masquerade as ailments can be cured by a simple shower.  Really, showers might be the best. 

Ok, lauding of showers complete.  I'm going to go take one and cure my malaise.  

There is No Dog Shame in this House...

they don't know the meaning of that word.

If I was a dragon this would be the pile of discarded bones of my enemies.  Because I'm a dog it's a stick graveyard and also holds the remains of my enemies.  That shark toy, he had it coming.

Oh hi, Happy Thanksgiving!  While you were busy doing other things that garden gnome you brought home from Grandma's house gave me a weird look.

I regret nothing.  I also have no shame.  

I always thought he looked shifty.  So I bited his feets off.  Now he can't get up to any mischief when I'm sleeping and can't protect you.

Also, he was attached to a strange little stick... and I know all sticks for me to eat... so I ate that too.  I know I have an entire pile of sticks in front of the deck that I'm turning into a woodchip pile, but that gnome smelled funny on top of being shifty so I really thought he was a priority for destruction.

You're welcome!

I know you appreciate my work so I just wag my tail when you tell me I'm bad.

Let me think... BAD.  B... A... D... That must be code.  Yeah, code, for brilliant adversary destroyer.  Oh yeah, I'm definitely that.

I'm so good at it.  I'm the best!

I protected my human, ate a stick, and made sure that shifty little gnome will never threaten anyone again.

I'm so happy!

It's already such a great day.  Wake me up when it's time for our walk.

                        Love,

                           Rocky

Mad Travel Favorites: Unexpected Pleasures

No doubt, you've heard that oft used quote by the incomparable Robert Burns "the best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry".  No doubt you've also heard it used to mock the very idea of making plans.  Plans do have an alarming tendency to go awry, it is true.  But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have them.  Plans do have their place.  You just need to recognize that they aren't the end all be all of travel.  The seasoned traveler knows that they must make plans AND expect them to fall apart at times.  Being able to roll with unexpected circumstances is just a part of travel.

For instance, I love planning my trips to maximize the amount of cool things I can see in a short period of time.  It can be convenient to know that two of the things you most want to see are in the same area.  It saves on unnecessary backtracking.  Yet, after reflection, it seems that my favorite parts of trips have all been the unexpected parts I could not, and did not, plan for at all.

Unexpected Discoveries in Rome

In Rome, one of my favorite discoveries was a little church that I hadn't planned to visit.  Rome is full of churches and there is simply not enough time to visit every single one of them.  No matter how beautiful they are, how historic, or how full of incredible art they are, the numbers make it impossible to see them all.

So, my friend and I had planned to visit only a few.  On the way to the Capitoline Museums we came across the side entrance of another church and impulsively decided to enter.

The Santa Maria in Aracoeli has a particularly uninspiring exterior.  But we decided it was worth a quick peek through the door since we were there.

And boy was it ever!  It is hard to describe the vast discrepancy between the exterior and interior of this church.  Let's just say that we stood frozen two feet inside the door gaping at arches bedazzled with chandeliers.  

I mean, I have never seen that many chandeliers in one place.  Have you?  Not only does every arch down the colonnade have a chandelier in it, the main arches in the crossing/transept of the church have them every two feet.  

I know it's not the best photo of the interior, but it's good enough for you to get an idea of how truly amazing it was.  If you find yourself in Rome anywhere near the Capitoline Hill you should pop in to see it.  Truly, it's worth the five minute detour.

    

The guidebook only mentioned the ceiling, which is clearly impressive.  However, I have seen many intricate and gorgeous ceilings.  Nowhere else have I seen chandeliers adorning arches the way they do in the Santa Maria in Aracoeli.  

It is my favorite little church and we would have missed it altogether if we had stuck to our plan. 

Take a minute, peek into something you didn't plan to see and you might be astonished by what you find. 

Delightful Surprises in Naples

In Naples my friend and I met a delightful older gentleman sketching in the sculpture rooms.  He gave us a sketch each and introduced us to a gentleman who worked at the museum.  The gentleman asked us if we wanted to know where to go for dinner.  We said we would definitely be interested in his advice on the subject.  He then personally escorted us across the street to a local restaurant.  Whatever he told the people there must have been good because our pizzas arrived in heart shapes and we were told which desserts were the best.  We weren't given menus we were given a personal description of the desserts.  It was the best evening in our whole trip even though none of it was planned at all.

This is an Il Baba.  

Apparently an il Baba is a traditional dessert from Naples and it is gorgeously delicious.  Had we been left to our own devices and a menu we may never have chosen it and that would have been a true loss.  Sometimes the unexpected, unplanned for, locally recommended things, truly are the best.

Hidden Treasures in Granada

In Granada, one of my favorite discoveries was a little unexpected house tucked away down a narrow alley street.  A great friend and I wandered down a tiny alley, lured by an intriguing vine growing from a gutter that we wanted to photograph.  

Then we wandered through tiny alleys heading vaguely uphill looking for views of the Alhambra.  Then, by accidentally losing ourselves down these tiny alleyways, we accidentally found this incredible old Moorish house.  The door was open and looked intriguing but at first we couldn't tell if it was just someone's house or actually something open to the public.  The lack of furniture and a plaque on a far wall convinced us to step inside and have a peek.  

We found ourselves in an old Moorish house with a beautiful courtyard pool and a spectacular view of the Alhambra.    

It even had some of the original wall plaster with the original Moorish wall decorations.

               

If we had stuck to a strict plan and only gone up the wide roads that led to the top of the hill without twisty turns we would never have found this place.  The Unofficial Best Tourist Award for that year went to my friend for suggesting the alley that led us to this place.  It may not be in a guidebook's list of highlights every tourist to Granada must see, but it's one of my favorite memories of the trip.  

Get Lost to Find the Best Things in Life

Sometimes the detours, the bits where you get lost on purpose in a great little neighborhood, turn out to be the best path.  Get lost and find something unexpected and exciting.  Take a local's advice and see something that hasn't made it on the top five list of every tourist in the city.  Pop in a random doorway to satisfy your curiosity and see what treasures you might find.  Eat in a local place or in some place recommended to you by a local.  Do at least one thing you didn't plan to do on your trip.  It may even turn out to be the best thing you could've done and become your favorite memory of the whole trip.  

Article and photos by The Madder Hatter for more travel stories and tips visit The Madder Hatter Traveler Blog.  

Don't mind me, I'm just an Old Shoe...

Do you ever look around the world and wonder what's wrong with it until you reach the conclusion that it's you?  I'm an introvert which is really just a fancy way of saying I'm a bit shy and I enjoy people watching more than actually living.  And recently, with all my down time and my people watching, I've come to a sort of small epiphany.  People are as varied as the shoes they wear.  There are the loud ones and the sleek ones and the sporty ones.  Shoes and people can be functional and flirty, colourful and dark, captivating and invisible.

I've come to the conclusion that I am the comfortable shoe.  What is wrong with my life is me.  People fall quickly into a routine with me because I'm comfortable.  I can go long or short distances, I'm easy to please, sort of versatile.  I'm ok with adventure but I'm not the hardcore hiking boot or the tough as nails steel-toed boot.  I can go out dancing but I don't ooze charm or sophistication or sexiness.  I don't chafe, or annoy.  I'm just easy.  People wear me every day for awhile and then suddenly they trade me in for a pair of fancy, new, shiny, unworn shoes.  Maybe they go sportier or more professional.  Sometimes they choose flirty and totally sexy.  It's hard to say which direction they'll go after they've thrown me in the corner.  All I know is that they have no trouble leaving me behind.  I'm the comfortable shoe.  I'm meant to be put on every day til they tire of me.  Worn through the tight places, muddy places, dark places.  Used til I'm falling apart at the seams.  Then, just as is my purpose, I'm put in a corner or a dark cupboard and never thought of again.

Well, that is until I'm needed all of a sudden.  Then just like that I'm expected to be as accommodating and comfortable and flexible as ever.  After months of being ignored and left alone in a corner I'm suddenly brought back out and supposed to be happy with being put on every morning when they need a quick pick me up run, worn through all the tight and sad places, and used up til I'm emotionally tearing apart at the seams.  I'm supposed to be content with this because I'm the comfortable shoe that everyone loves having around because I'm so easy and so comforting.  All the while knowing that maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month, they will bore of me again and I'll go back to being forgotten in the dark.

Ah, the good old comfortable shoe.  Perfect for a day of mixed activities; easy to kick off when you feel like something else.

I'm just one of those people.  I'm willing to listen and reminisce.  You can drag me out of the cupboard and I'm still me; worn-in just the way you remember and find so comforting.  And the funny thing is that while I hate being a comfortable shoe I don't hate who I am.

I think being there for people is generally a nice thing to do and I wish more people were a bit more on the comfortable shoe side of the scale.  It seems like most of my friends are specialized shoes.  I know hiking boots and business shoes and dancing shoes and sexy shoes.  I don't have a problem with any of them.  I love them for who they are.  But sometimes I wish I knew a few more comfortable shoes who could be there when I need to go through tight, dark places and get a little wet and muddy.  We could go on adventures, sit at home, and yes, even hang out together in the corner when our other friends are busy doing their thing.

But my professional shoe friends are always in business meetings.  My dancing shoe friends can't be bothered if the situation doesn't call for music.  Sexy shoes are too busy flirting with everyone to notice I'm around unless they need a comfortable shoe friend.  Hiking boot friends have no trouble with a little mud but they're nearly always out scaling some new mountain and having a marvelous time doing it whether you are there or not.

Maybe I should form a society for people like me, comfortable shoe types.  Maybe we could get together and be supportive of one another since it's clear that sexy shoes are never going to slog through the mud by our side no matter how many times we are there for them and business shoes, are, well, too busy.  We could call it SCRAPES (Society for Comfortable Reliable And Perfectly Eclipsed Shoes) and underneath that last word we can write in tiny letters "Or people, you know, whatever..."