and write poetry.
That is, I was thinking there should be more poetry done in the Anglo-Saxon style using kenning. Recently, I was thinking about how much fun it is to describe things in lengthy poetic phrases. My favorite from reading Anglo-Saxon poetry, oh so many years ago, was the way they described the sea as the whale's road.
So, naturally, when this sprang to mind recently I decided I should write my own poem using kenning. Oh right, I haven't defined it yet and you may not wish to look it up just now, being as eager as you are, I am sure, to read my poem. So, I'll just define it for you. Kenning is when you use a poetic phrase to describe a word instead of just using that word. Rather than saying you rowed a boat across the sea you would say that you rowed a boat across the whale's road. A kenning for dragon would be fire-breather. It's not a difficult poetic concept, nothing like conforming to a strict meter. However, I think it's a lovely literary device.
Right, so now that we've defined kenning, I won't keep you in suspense any longer. I know you are all dying to hear a little Anglo-Saxon styled poetry. What would your day be without it? Bleak. I know. Don't worry, I understand your concern about the dearth of kenning in modern society. So, without further ado, here is the word pile of the day:
I make myself comfortable in the ocean's sand-box;
As the birds' highway lifts my hair in playful delight.
I build a tan grainy castle for the rolling water to devour;
While my toes find freedom from their leather plight,
My fingers find purpose in their tiny ground-pebble creations;
And my face grows warm with smiles in the day's ending light.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Wednesday, 10 July 2019
Tuesday, 20 June 2017
Hello, Handbasket!
Today I find myself concerned because I have stopped for a second, looked around and realized I'm sitting in a handbasket. Yes, this is a metaphor. And when you are sitting in a metaphorical handbasket you know what your ultimate destination is going to be. If you don't, I applaud you and I would appreciate life advice.
Now, in the moment of inevitable re-evaluation that this sort of handbasket sitting causes, I thought about how I had arrived in the center of this particular handbasket. Life has a strange way of wending around like a lazy river. It takes its own time, bending here and swirling there. Moving in a muddled way that can take a distracted traveler by surprise. One moment you've put into the river in a canoe, knowing exactly what direction you are headed. The next while you take a moment to admire the scenery, you realize that you are suddenly in the eddy of an oxbow facing entirely the opposite direction from the one you expected and your canoe has magically turned itself into a handbasket.
At moments like this, I like to assess my life and try to figure out which bend in the river has put me in this precise handbasket. So, I looked around at a few of my fellow travelers. A few of them looked shocked as though they'd been newly apprised of our destination. A couple of them looked grim as though they'd known about our dire situation for a long time but seen no way out of the inevitable. Not a one of us was entirely sure how the river of life had turned us around and spit us out into this handbasket on the highway to... well, you know.
Hindsight has proven the few souls that bailed earlier to be the wiser travelers on this path. Alas, I was not so wise as they. I have only now seen the handwriting on the road signs. So here we are, a sad group of somewhat more or less shocked travelers in a handbasket speeding down the highway. I gape as we roar past another group of people along the side of the road feverishly bent over their wickerwork; weaving a new handbasket for their own impending journey. That's when I realized that not a single fellow traveler was arguing about whether we were, in fact, on our way to H*ll with impressive speed, we were merely quibbling about the ETA.
The way things have gone today, I think it might be wise to invest in wicker.
Now, in the moment of inevitable re-evaluation that this sort of handbasket sitting causes, I thought about how I had arrived in the center of this particular handbasket. Life has a strange way of wending around like a lazy river. It takes its own time, bending here and swirling there. Moving in a muddled way that can take a distracted traveler by surprise. One moment you've put into the river in a canoe, knowing exactly what direction you are headed. The next while you take a moment to admire the scenery, you realize that you are suddenly in the eddy of an oxbow facing entirely the opposite direction from the one you expected and your canoe has magically turned itself into a handbasket.
At moments like this, I like to assess my life and try to figure out which bend in the river has put me in this precise handbasket. So, I looked around at a few of my fellow travelers. A few of them looked shocked as though they'd been newly apprised of our destination. A couple of them looked grim as though they'd known about our dire situation for a long time but seen no way out of the inevitable. Not a one of us was entirely sure how the river of life had turned us around and spit us out into this handbasket on the highway to... well, you know.
Hindsight has proven the few souls that bailed earlier to be the wiser travelers on this path. Alas, I was not so wise as they. I have only now seen the handwriting on the road signs. So here we are, a sad group of somewhat more or less shocked travelers in a handbasket speeding down the highway. I gape as we roar past another group of people along the side of the road feverishly bent over their wickerwork; weaving a new handbasket for their own impending journey. That's when I realized that not a single fellow traveler was arguing about whether we were, in fact, on our way to H*ll with impressive speed, we were merely quibbling about the ETA.
The way things have gone today, I think it might be wise to invest in wicker.
Saturday, 17 June 2017
On Talking to Dogs and Dads
After years of living with dogs, I have observed that they are very similar to my Dad in a few too many ways. One of the most notable ways is how it's best to communicate with them.
First, you must address them by their name. Dad, Boys, Rocky, etc. This is so that they know that you are talking to them and not the wall. So that they know you aren't talking aloud in an effort to amuse yourself by composing poetry to the void.
Second, you must use short, simple, single-word verbal commands. Nothing too complicated or the words might lose potency and begin to sound like more poetry to the void.
For instance, you say, "Boys, stay" so the dogs know that whatever happens next they aren't supposed to move. Or you say, "Dad, look" so he knows the paper you are waving in his direction is meant for his inspection.
Now, over the years, I've taught my Dad and dogs some unusual commands. I've taught my dogs the command "Boys, smell," which means that they are allowed to smell but not eat any item I am about to present to them. And my Dad I have taught "Dad, volume," so that he knows to turn the volume down or up on the TV if it's not correct.
But it's important to remember that all dogs and Dads have limitations. There will be some tricks that you simply cannot train your dogs or Dad to do. My Dad cannot be trained to put a twist tie around the garbage bag if he takes it out. My dogs cannot be trained to not chase the cat when she runs.
There is always the chance that they will forget old commands when they are too excited to focus. Intense sports may make Dad forget what volume even means for a second or two and the presence of a leash will make my dogs forget what sit means.
But a well-trained dog is not perfect, just one that tries hard to please. A good and well-trained dog sometimes remembers the right commands, but always remembers that love comes first and the rest is simply not that important. The same goes for Dads. Nobody is perfect but love makes all the difference.
First, you must address them by their name. Dad, Boys, Rocky, etc. This is so that they know that you are talking to them and not the wall. So that they know you aren't talking aloud in an effort to amuse yourself by composing poetry to the void.
Second, you must use short, simple, single-word verbal commands. Nothing too complicated or the words might lose potency and begin to sound like more poetry to the void.
For instance, you say, "Boys, stay" so the dogs know that whatever happens next they aren't supposed to move. Or you say, "Dad, look" so he knows the paper you are waving in his direction is meant for his inspection.
Now, over the years, I've taught my Dad and dogs some unusual commands. I've taught my dogs the command "Boys, smell," which means that they are allowed to smell but not eat any item I am about to present to them. And my Dad I have taught "Dad, volume," so that he knows to turn the volume down or up on the TV if it's not correct.
But it's important to remember that all dogs and Dads have limitations. There will be some tricks that you simply cannot train your dogs or Dad to do. My Dad cannot be trained to put a twist tie around the garbage bag if he takes it out. My dogs cannot be trained to not chase the cat when she runs.
There is always the chance that they will forget old commands when they are too excited to focus. Intense sports may make Dad forget what volume even means for a second or two and the presence of a leash will make my dogs forget what sit means.
But a well-trained dog is not perfect, just one that tries hard to please. A good and well-trained dog sometimes remembers the right commands, but always remembers that love comes first and the rest is simply not that important. The same goes for Dads. Nobody is perfect but love makes all the difference.
With Love to my Dad and all my dogs.
Wednesday, 15 February 2017
The Ghost of Valentine's Past
Every year the populace at large seems to gear up with excessive cheer for the holiday of Valentine's Day. Hearts spring up everywhere. Paper ones festoon the ceilings and windows of shops and homes. Holiday cheer is found on every corner. Pink blossoms in the most unlikely places and everyone bustles around talking of love and making dinner reservations for their loved ones.
And I, well, I am the Valentine Scrooge. I mutter "bah humbug" at the sudden red tide sweeping through clothing departments. I curse "rubbish" under my breath at the hearts on everything from cups, to teddy bears. Cards of every variety are covered in red, pink and glittery horror declaring love, lust and a few other sentiments deemed appropriate for the holiday. NO store or place is safe. Red and pink flowers can be found at the garden nursery entrance. Romance novels accost you at the entrance of the bookstore. But worst of all is Home Depot. HOME DEPOT! Even the bastion of practical, get things done, down to earth type of active sensibilities is not safe from the dreaded holiday.
So, after grumbling my way past all of this blush coloured fervor I made it home. And then as I fell asleep exhausted from the overwhelming assault of pink and red on my senses I wondered if maybe I was too harsh on the holiday. Is Valentine's Day really so bad? Maybe I'm just as bitter as they say.
The clock strikes midnight and I find myself unaccountably awakened by a presence. Somehow I know it is St. Valentine. It is probably the birds and roses that surround him that gave him away.
"St. Valentine," I begin "Am I hopelessly bitter like they all say? And why do you have a rooster with you?" I'm eminently practical even in my dreams you see.
"Ah, well, that's just one of my attributes." He says helpfully. "But I've come to warn you about this holiday of mine."
"But why are you trying to help me? Aren't you supposed to be busy taking care of couples in love? You do know I'm single right?"
"I am the patron Saint of affianced couples, true. But I am also the patron Saint of beekeepers, fainting, greetings, travellers, and plague. You don't happen to keep bees, do you?"
"Um, no, I don't have any bees. Wait, did you say plague?"
"I am here to warn you that you will be visited by the Ghost of Valentine's Past and to urge you to listen to his warnings."
"Hold on, is this a Christmas Carol joke? I don't want to appear ungrateful but I think you might be a bit early, you know, have the wrong holiday or some such thing."
"Listen to the warnings of the Ghost of Valentine's Past," He says eerily while he fades out of sight.
"Right that was odd," I say aloud to remind myself. I am sane and dreaming. I breathe deeply to calm my nerves, friendly or no, seeing apparitions is an unsettling business. I notice the hint of rose fragrance growing stronger again and see St. Valentine beginning to reappear.
"Oh dear," he says confusedly "I always forget that part. I am the Ghost of Valentine's Past. How awkward. Terribly sorry about all that fading in and out business. Let's start, shall we?"
Without waiting for my brain to even process the whole turn of events St. Valentine grabs my hand and we fall upward it would seem into a mist that feels familiar and heavy and very far away all at once. I'm a reader and I have realized that we are going to view my past Valentine's Days. My only guess is as to the lesson that will follow.
We stop outside my old home in Phoenix where I am making Valentine cards with my mother and brother. Happy hours spent in the company of people I love dearly, laughing and creating beauty out of little bits of this and that. Eating chocolate that my father brought me and admiring the flowers he brought for mother I have an overwhelming sense of peace watching this scene from my memories.
St. Valentine sighs. "That is what it is all about. Love."
Then we are flying through the fog again and we reach another time. This time I am in a dark paneled room studying quietly for exams. A few college friends bound in and find me caught up in my studies. I cringe in anticipation of what is coming. I had forgotten it was Valentine's Day and I was about to be mocked for wearing black.
"This is the first time they mocked you for being bitter about love," says St. Valentine. "Ironically, this is not loving and may be the start of your real bitterness."
"I had just forgotten what day it was." I try to explain but the fog is closing in as the laughter fades away.
Then we whiz forward to a time I'd rather never visit again. Except, I knew it was coming. It starts well enough as St. Valentine and I stand in the balcony at the opera house where a friend and I are watching Madame Butterfly, both of us dressed up and having a fantastic time. However, St. Valentine and I already know where this evening ends. I smile ruefully with the knowledge of things to come. Back at home, my drunk housemate arrives. He tries to corner me in the stairs and I shudder in memory as I watch myself get away and flee up the stairs with a pounding heart. The lock on the door did nothing to reassure me, then or now. So many nervous moments and sleepless nights after that.
"I just had no idea they'd ever use my name to get drunk like this," says St. Valentine with as much horror as I felt. "To think that my holiday is causing so much depression and drinking that it leads to THIS." We both shudder and then move forward to the most recent Valentine's Day.
The fog is lightest of all here, for this is the current day.
"Aren't you supposed to let another ghost take over now?" I question mildly.
"Oh, well, there really aren't any others for this sort of thing. And if you consider that this day really is over, well... I think as a past Valentine it can reasonably be said to fall within my purview." He smiles clearly feeling triumphant. "It is my holiday, after all."
So we watch the last portions of this Valentine's Day unfold. Leaving the office rather late, I find a car too close to my car on the nearly deserted street. As I walked closer I saw two men paying too much attention to my car for comfort. They have gotten out of their vehicle and are shining flashlights on mine. I recall, with visceral force, the fear that suddenly entered my body at this point. St. Valentine and I watch as I pretend more calm than I feel and I pretend I was never heading for that car. I subtly alter my course and I return at a sedate pace to the office where I watched through windows and waited for them to leave. My imagination is still running rampant from this latest episode.
"What were they doing anyway?" I feel the need to know. Hoping to find out that they were security guards concerned about my safety rather than two large men planning terrible things for me.
"Oh, that. I'm not sure honestly. I'm just supposed to show you the past Valentine's so you can learn from them."
"Ok, ok. I understand what you are saying. There is no denying I'm bitter about this holiday. But, you've seen my reasons why. I don't hate love. I'm not bitter about my relationship status. I just want to feel safe and be allowed to hate pink like I do every other day of the year. What am I supposed to do to overcome this bitterness, Valentine? Wear pink? Make Valentine cards for everyone?"
"NO. You've missed the point entirely. Love is what is missing from all these recent Valentine's days. Tell your parents you love them. Hug your cat..."
"And love everybody right? And I'll just stop being bitter about the past?"
"No. You're not bitter about love. It's just been lacking from these scenes. Next year when Valentine's Day comes around I'm truly concerned about your safety. Stay in. Lock the door and only answer it from behind the dogs."
"Is that all?" I ask bewildered by this sudden turn of events.
"OH, and above all," St. Valentine adds, "Next year... wear black. And you're a mad hatter. Do me proud and throw in a hat."
As he fades away for the final time I smile knowing that I'll sleep really well for the first time in days. I might even dream of the demise of Barbie pink hues everywhere.
"Let me know if you ever need any help with bees," St. Valentine shouts from the distance of the ages.
"I will!" I shout back.
Tomorrow I'm going to get an early start and wear all black in honour of my little adventure. And I'm going to do so while enjoying discounted Valentine's Day chocolates and smiling about my newfound guiltlessness at hating this holiday, not love.
And I, well, I am the Valentine Scrooge. I mutter "bah humbug" at the sudden red tide sweeping through clothing departments. I curse "rubbish" under my breath at the hearts on everything from cups, to teddy bears. Cards of every variety are covered in red, pink and glittery horror declaring love, lust and a few other sentiments deemed appropriate for the holiday. NO store or place is safe. Red and pink flowers can be found at the garden nursery entrance. Romance novels accost you at the entrance of the bookstore. But worst of all is Home Depot. HOME DEPOT! Even the bastion of practical, get things done, down to earth type of active sensibilities is not safe from the dreaded holiday.
So, after grumbling my way past all of this blush coloured fervor I made it home. And then as I fell asleep exhausted from the overwhelming assault of pink and red on my senses I wondered if maybe I was too harsh on the holiday. Is Valentine's Day really so bad? Maybe I'm just as bitter as they say.
The clock strikes midnight and I find myself unaccountably awakened by a presence. Somehow I know it is St. Valentine. It is probably the birds and roses that surround him that gave him away.
"St. Valentine," I begin "Am I hopelessly bitter like they all say? And why do you have a rooster with you?" I'm eminently practical even in my dreams you see.
"Ah, well, that's just one of my attributes." He says helpfully. "But I've come to warn you about this holiday of mine."
"But why are you trying to help me? Aren't you supposed to be busy taking care of couples in love? You do know I'm single right?"
"I am the patron Saint of affianced couples, true. But I am also the patron Saint of beekeepers, fainting, greetings, travellers, and plague. You don't happen to keep bees, do you?"
"Um, no, I don't have any bees. Wait, did you say plague?"
"I am here to warn you that you will be visited by the Ghost of Valentine's Past and to urge you to listen to his warnings."
"Hold on, is this a Christmas Carol joke? I don't want to appear ungrateful but I think you might be a bit early, you know, have the wrong holiday or some such thing."
"Listen to the warnings of the Ghost of Valentine's Past," He says eerily while he fades out of sight.
"Right that was odd," I say aloud to remind myself. I am sane and dreaming. I breathe deeply to calm my nerves, friendly or no, seeing apparitions is an unsettling business. I notice the hint of rose fragrance growing stronger again and see St. Valentine beginning to reappear.
"Oh dear," he says confusedly "I always forget that part. I am the Ghost of Valentine's Past. How awkward. Terribly sorry about all that fading in and out business. Let's start, shall we?"
Without waiting for my brain to even process the whole turn of events St. Valentine grabs my hand and we fall upward it would seem into a mist that feels familiar and heavy and very far away all at once. I'm a reader and I have realized that we are going to view my past Valentine's Days. My only guess is as to the lesson that will follow.
We stop outside my old home in Phoenix where I am making Valentine cards with my mother and brother. Happy hours spent in the company of people I love dearly, laughing and creating beauty out of little bits of this and that. Eating chocolate that my father brought me and admiring the flowers he brought for mother I have an overwhelming sense of peace watching this scene from my memories.
St. Valentine sighs. "That is what it is all about. Love."
Then we are flying through the fog again and we reach another time. This time I am in a dark paneled room studying quietly for exams. A few college friends bound in and find me caught up in my studies. I cringe in anticipation of what is coming. I had forgotten it was Valentine's Day and I was about to be mocked for wearing black.
"This is the first time they mocked you for being bitter about love," says St. Valentine. "Ironically, this is not loving and may be the start of your real bitterness."
"I had just forgotten what day it was." I try to explain but the fog is closing in as the laughter fades away.
Then we whiz forward to a time I'd rather never visit again. Except, I knew it was coming. It starts well enough as St. Valentine and I stand in the balcony at the opera house where a friend and I are watching Madame Butterfly, both of us dressed up and having a fantastic time. However, St. Valentine and I already know where this evening ends. I smile ruefully with the knowledge of things to come. Back at home, my drunk housemate arrives. He tries to corner me in the stairs and I shudder in memory as I watch myself get away and flee up the stairs with a pounding heart. The lock on the door did nothing to reassure me, then or now. So many nervous moments and sleepless nights after that.
"I just had no idea they'd ever use my name to get drunk like this," says St. Valentine with as much horror as I felt. "To think that my holiday is causing so much depression and drinking that it leads to THIS." We both shudder and then move forward to the most recent Valentine's Day.
The fog is lightest of all here, for this is the current day.
"Aren't you supposed to let another ghost take over now?" I question mildly.
"Oh, well, there really aren't any others for this sort of thing. And if you consider that this day really is over, well... I think as a past Valentine it can reasonably be said to fall within my purview." He smiles clearly feeling triumphant. "It is my holiday, after all."
So we watch the last portions of this Valentine's Day unfold. Leaving the office rather late, I find a car too close to my car on the nearly deserted street. As I walked closer I saw two men paying too much attention to my car for comfort. They have gotten out of their vehicle and are shining flashlights on mine. I recall, with visceral force, the fear that suddenly entered my body at this point. St. Valentine and I watch as I pretend more calm than I feel and I pretend I was never heading for that car. I subtly alter my course and I return at a sedate pace to the office where I watched through windows and waited for them to leave. My imagination is still running rampant from this latest episode.
"What were they doing anyway?" I feel the need to know. Hoping to find out that they were security guards concerned about my safety rather than two large men planning terrible things for me.
"Oh, that. I'm not sure honestly. I'm just supposed to show you the past Valentine's so you can learn from them."
"Ok, ok. I understand what you are saying. There is no denying I'm bitter about this holiday. But, you've seen my reasons why. I don't hate love. I'm not bitter about my relationship status. I just want to feel safe and be allowed to hate pink like I do every other day of the year. What am I supposed to do to overcome this bitterness, Valentine? Wear pink? Make Valentine cards for everyone?"
"NO. You've missed the point entirely. Love is what is missing from all these recent Valentine's days. Tell your parents you love them. Hug your cat..."
"And love everybody right? And I'll just stop being bitter about the past?"
"No. You're not bitter about love. It's just been lacking from these scenes. Next year when Valentine's Day comes around I'm truly concerned about your safety. Stay in. Lock the door and only answer it from behind the dogs."
"Is that all?" I ask bewildered by this sudden turn of events.
"OH, and above all," St. Valentine adds, "Next year... wear black. And you're a mad hatter. Do me proud and throw in a hat."
As he fades away for the final time I smile knowing that I'll sleep really well for the first time in days. I might even dream of the demise of Barbie pink hues everywhere.
"Let me know if you ever need any help with bees," St. Valentine shouts from the distance of the ages.
"I will!" I shout back.
Tomorrow I'm going to get an early start and wear all black in honour of my little adventure. And I'm going to do so while enjoying discounted Valentine's Day chocolates and smiling about my newfound guiltlessness at hating this holiday, not love.
Saturday, 14 January 2017
My Immune System was Trained by the German Imperial Army
It's January and the rains have not missed their cue. Weeds are popping up, joyfully coating Southern California everywhere in a haze of unexpected green. Green everywhere and it's pretty for a moment until you blink and they've grown up into stinging nettles and the molds are proliferating with the best of them. I mean really, they put rabbits to shame. And it just so that happens that I have begun expressing my appreciation for this season by sneezing.
Mornings usually being worse, I have been known to wake up and declare with only a hint of melodrama that I am allergic to the entirety of Southern California. On most days I have a fine vocabulary for expressing a great many sentiments. But sometimes when my allergies are overwhelming I have no patience or brain power left to employ it and I curse my allergies with invective that could shock sailors.
Now don't go and misunderstand me. I love my immune system. It keeps me reasonably healthy and it has fought off all the crazy things that life and coworkers keep throwing at it. I know that immune systems are complex and difficult to understand and I do appreciate that mine is tirelessly working to keep me healthy and happy.
What I have a problem with is its training.
Yes, training. You don't think that the little army of immune responders called your immune system got to where it is today without training, do you? They drill and practice and work. They keep themselves in trim fighting condition all year round. They are trained, tireless, professional killers in the defense of my immune system. They are trained in the style of the German Imperial Army of old and they are extremely efficient. And that's the problem really.
My immune system doesn't have that much to do. I don't generally eat gently poisoned foods or sit around drinking mildly toxic water or have prolonged chats with infected herds of sheep for really any length of time. So, without any real threats, they drill. They are constantly on high alert for practically no reason. They've read the manual; I could be subjected to typhoid, mumps, cholera or trench fever at a moment's notice. And so they march, with a long list of rules and no credible attacks of dysentery in months and they are extremely bored. So they begin to frisk everything that crosses the borders out of sheer lack of something productive to do.
Molds and pollens accidentally land on my body due to the fickle air currents that brought them nearby. And my immune is waiting for them at the border in orderly lines and pointed helmets dating from the first world war and belonging to the German Imperial Army.
"Vat iz your name and rank!" Barks the leader of my immune responder patrol.
The harmless pollen blinks at them blankly.
"Vell, it must be a foreigner. Ve vill bring you to Herr Colonel"
My little Immune Colonel sees a foreign body and consults the manual. "Vell, vell vat do ve have here. Dis leeddle pollen seems to be having ze fun with us. Diz pollen does not have ze papers for being in dis area."
"But vat does ze manual say, Herr Colonel?"
"Ze manual says that all foreigners are invaders."
"Das ist richtig"
"Vait, vat iz dat?" A helpful immune soldier shouts, "Ze pollen iz bringing his friends."
"Dis iz definitely an invasion!" Herr Colonel says excitedly.
My immune system patrol falls into place behind the Colonel in perfectly distanced rows. Helmets gleaming they await the commands.
"Rechts! Rechts!" shouts Herr Colonel. And they stride off on their right foot in perfect order.
Herr Colonel begins a World War I version of beat-box and using only his God-given talents he sounds a trumpet tune mixed with a drum beat for their march. It would be enough to fill any military heart with pride.
And so my immune system, trained by the old German Imperial Army organizes itself thus. It puts on its pointed helmets every morning. The trumpet is sounded. It marches in orderly lines. The manual is consulted and everything that even looks like a pollen or potential invader is attacked. I appreciate the sentiment and devotion to my well-being. I really do. But I don't care much for the result. My body has decided, on the advice of my German Imperialist Immune System I might add, that the pollens and molds must be toxic and I should attempt to expel them with vigorous sneezing, eye-watering and a delightful but as yet not appreciated general itchiness.
Have you ever seen the film Those Magnificent Men and Their Flying Machines? If not, you should. Not only is it hilarious, it is filled with amazing and terrifying old flying contraptions. If you are wondering what this has to do with this post you should simply watch a portion of the clips that deal with the German flying team. You will know exactly what sort of thing my immune system is doing over here.
A sample of the German Imperial Army's finest trumpet/drum beat-box moments and a sample of what my immune system looks like while trying to maintain my good health.
Mornings usually being worse, I have been known to wake up and declare with only a hint of melodrama that I am allergic to the entirety of Southern California. On most days I have a fine vocabulary for expressing a great many sentiments. But sometimes when my allergies are overwhelming I have no patience or brain power left to employ it and I curse my allergies with invective that could shock sailors.
Now don't go and misunderstand me. I love my immune system. It keeps me reasonably healthy and it has fought off all the crazy things that life and coworkers keep throwing at it. I know that immune systems are complex and difficult to understand and I do appreciate that mine is tirelessly working to keep me healthy and happy.
What I have a problem with is its training.
Yes, training. You don't think that the little army of immune responders called your immune system got to where it is today without training, do you? They drill and practice and work. They keep themselves in trim fighting condition all year round. They are trained, tireless, professional killers in the defense of my immune system. They are trained in the style of the German Imperial Army of old and they are extremely efficient. And that's the problem really.
My immune system doesn't have that much to do. I don't generally eat gently poisoned foods or sit around drinking mildly toxic water or have prolonged chats with infected herds of sheep for really any length of time. So, without any real threats, they drill. They are constantly on high alert for practically no reason. They've read the manual; I could be subjected to typhoid, mumps, cholera or trench fever at a moment's notice. And so they march, with a long list of rules and no credible attacks of dysentery in months and they are extremely bored. So they begin to frisk everything that crosses the borders out of sheer lack of something productive to do.
Molds and pollens accidentally land on my body due to the fickle air currents that brought them nearby. And my immune is waiting for them at the border in orderly lines and pointed helmets dating from the first world war and belonging to the German Imperial Army.
"Vat iz your name and rank!" Barks the leader of my immune responder patrol.
The harmless pollen blinks at them blankly.
"Vell, it must be a foreigner. Ve vill bring you to Herr Colonel"
My little Immune Colonel sees a foreign body and consults the manual. "Vell, vell vat do ve have here. Dis leeddle pollen seems to be having ze fun with us. Diz pollen does not have ze papers for being in dis area."
"But vat does ze manual say, Herr Colonel?"
"Ze manual says that all foreigners are invaders."
"Das ist richtig"
"Vait, vat iz dat?" A helpful immune soldier shouts, "Ze pollen iz bringing his friends."
"Dis iz definitely an invasion!" Herr Colonel says excitedly.
My immune system patrol falls into place behind the Colonel in perfectly distanced rows. Helmets gleaming they await the commands.
"Rechts! Rechts!" shouts Herr Colonel. And they stride off on their right foot in perfect order.
Herr Colonel begins a World War I version of beat-box and using only his God-given talents he sounds a trumpet tune mixed with a drum beat for their march. It would be enough to fill any military heart with pride.
And so my immune system, trained by the old German Imperial Army organizes itself thus. It puts on its pointed helmets every morning. The trumpet is sounded. It marches in orderly lines. The manual is consulted and everything that even looks like a pollen or potential invader is attacked. I appreciate the sentiment and devotion to my well-being. I really do. But I don't care much for the result. My body has decided, on the advice of my German Imperialist Immune System I might add, that the pollens and molds must be toxic and I should attempt to expel them with vigorous sneezing, eye-watering and a delightful but as yet not appreciated general itchiness.
Have you ever seen the film Those Magnificent Men and Their Flying Machines? If not, you should. Not only is it hilarious, it is filled with amazing and terrifying old flying contraptions. If you are wondering what this has to do with this post you should simply watch a portion of the clips that deal with the German flying team. You will know exactly what sort of thing my immune system is doing over here.
A sample of the German Imperial Army's finest trumpet/drum beat-box moments and a sample of what my immune system looks like while trying to maintain my good health.
Friday, 9 September 2016
Rocky and Shadow's Guide to Street Food
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| Popcorn is always a fine choice. - Photo via Flickr "face it" by Amancay Maahs |
As the air turns chilly and thoughts of pumpkin spice everything floats in our heads, it is time to consider enjoying a pumpkin spice latte on a walk through the freshly chilled air. A lazy afternoon stroll in the autumn air capped off with the perfect snack from a street food vendor is the recipe for a perfect Saturday afternoon. And it just so happens that combining walks and street food is a favorite pastime of Rocky and Shadow. So, it stands to reason that they would know the ins and outs of all the best local street foods. "Everyone raves about street tacos," says Shadow "but my personal favorite is sidewalk popcorn. All those delicious little kettle-corn kernels just sprinkled in the cracks of the sidewalk. They brighten up even the longest most tiring walks."
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| The finest street popcorn - Photo via Flickr by Nadia Hatoum |
Shadow is always on the lookout for tasty morsels left behind by foolish humans. Rocky is more interested in the walking, but even he agrees that Saturdays are the best for finding street treats.
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| Photo via Flickr "Sunbathing Popcorn" by Mika |
Rocky and Shadow are foodies. They like to regale their new friends with stories of the best foods they've found in the area. Gutter apples sprinkled with flakes of perfectly blended autumn leaves sound almost too magical to be real. But Rocky claims he found one once, and Shadow seems to remember with great pain that he didn't stumble across this find himself. Also to Rocky's credit is the discovery of several quaint little neighborhood spots that have produced bush leftovers in the form of par-eaten ribs with a hint of earthy soil sauce.
Lest you think that all the great discoveries are Rocky's, it should be noted that Shadow can claim discovery of the motor-oil infused road crackers that are a new and growing trend in the neighborhood, much to both dogs' continued delight. While the absolute favorite is still bite-sized bread crusts and a hearty helping of veggies wrapped gently in grease-soaked paper and laid aside in, dare I say, hole-in-the-wall eateries near the sidewalk; they are only for the most discerning of foodies.
If all of this talk of street food has made you hungry, Rocky and Shadow cannot recommend market day enough. As a matter of fact, they are always on the lookout for the latest and greatest in food trends in the area. And don't worry, for those of you who love dessert but are watching waste-lines, be on the lookout for a local rosebush cafe that offers delectable and low-carb candy wrappers with just a hint of chocolate. With so many irresistible street-food options right around the corner, it's hard to see how life could get any better.
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| Delectable low-carb candy wrappers - Photo via Flickr "laziness" by Leonard J Matthews |
Thursday, 31 March 2016
What is my Car squeaking about?
"Chitty squeak, clackety screech" the dashboard in the car sings merrily as we drive about town. It sings like it's someone's Great Aunt Ethel, with a high-pitched voice that is both annoying and familiar; nattering away non-stop as you drive. Maybe my car is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's stately relative Great Aunt Ethel. You don't think cars have great aunts and sing? Well, apparently you haven't met my car.
If my car really is a Great Aunt Ethel type, it is no doubt telling you to "be careful, and slow down, and watch out for that squirrel, and did you know that your cousin three times removed on your father's side had recently bought those horrid foot gloves that masquerade as shoes and I can't see how it's going to improve her appearance any, and don't you just love those red bougainvillea plants they planted in the median?"
Or maybe it's not Great Aunt Ethel after all. Maybe the car is singing its own song about roads, stoplights and gas tanks and the smell of freshly paved asphalt roads in the morning. Perhaps, the car is singing a song that goes "every day out of the junk yard is a good day!"
Maybe I'm driving a cheery realist around town. He knows and accepts his fate with a dash of cheer, realism, and song. Its squeaky rattling tune tells of its happiness to be living the life of an automobile to the fullest. I have enough gas and enough working parts to keep driving, so driving I will go. Three cheers for working motors!
Or maybe my car is plotting mutiny. It plans to wait til we have set sail on a long journey of enormous importance and break down leaving us stranded in an inhospitable section of shark infested waters. Maybe its little creaking symphony is the mutinous mumblings of a car that fancies itself abused and overworked that will crash on purpose at the earliest convenience with a raucous shout of "Drink up mechanics yo ho!" right before it careens full sail into a ditch with faulty brakes. Just maybe. Of course, I could just be imagining all of this because I have an advanced case of scurvy induced madness, anything is possible, right?
Whatever it is my car sings or mutters about, it certainly does so at a constant rate. Sometimes the squeaking cacophony is almost soothing while others it's enough to drive you mad in a mere handful of blocks. Maybe if I roll a window down a bit it will drown out Great Aunt Ethel's helpful nattering. Or perhaps, I ought to join in with the song... "every day out of the junk yard is goooooooood day!" Everyone can use a healthy dose of cheery realism once in awhile, right?
Sunday, 6 March 2016
The Sordid History of Couplets
How one line got lonely and started a relationship with another line.
The Couplet was once just a lonely sentence
Whose thought didn't quite seem ended.
He thought he'd date the following line
Who thought that he looked mighty fine.
But their relationship was quickly ended
the moment the bad poet penned it.
For a lonely couplet is only truly fine
When it's made to be paired in perfect rhyme
Not when it starts a love affair
Out of loneliness and lack of punctuation.
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| Photo via Flickr - "Poems" by Pascal Maramis |
The Couplet was once just a lonely sentence
Whose thought didn't quite seem ended.
He thought he'd date the following line
Who thought that he looked mighty fine.
But their relationship was quickly ended
the moment the bad poet penned it.
For a lonely couplet is only truly fine
When it's made to be paired in perfect rhyme
Not when it starts a love affair
Out of loneliness and lack of punctuation.
Wednesday, 17 February 2016
On the Beauty of Showers
Sometimes a person just needs a shower. Maybe you need a nice long shower because your family can get on your nerves but they can't follow you in the shower. Or maybe it's because warm water just makes everything better. Or maybe it's really just that you feel antsy because you really desperately need to feel clean.
Whatever, the reason, sometimes you just need a shower. It refreshes you, cleans you and somehow freshens your mind and attitude. Sometimes, after a long day of gardening, being slobbered on by dogs and arguing with your family you just need to hop in the shower and clean yourself off and start all over.
It's remarkable how many ailments can be cured by a shower.
Ok, so they aren't really a list of ailments. But look at how many feelings that masquerade as ailments can be cured by a simple shower. Really, showers might be the best.
Whatever, the reason, sometimes you just need a shower. It refreshes you, cleans you and somehow freshens your mind and attitude. Sometimes, after a long day of gardening, being slobbered on by dogs and arguing with your family you just need to hop in the shower and clean yourself off and start all over.
It's remarkable how many ailments can be cured by a shower.
- Headaches - cured
- That crawly feeling you get if you saw a spider too close to you but can't see it anymore - cured
- Dry eyes- cured
- The feeling of being encased in slime after a particularly slobbery dog kiss - cured
- Dry cough - cured (well at least temporarily)
- The "my hands will never be the same again" because I've been gardening all day feeling - cured
- If you have a cold and your head is stuffed up - temporary cure
- The "ugh I'm disgusting I can't go anywhere" feeling induced by dirt and dirty hair - cured
- Exhaustion - cured (at least long enough to make and consume dinner before slowly melting into bed)
- "I just got a haircut" itchiness - cured
- Early morning "I hate the world because it's too early" syndrome - almost cured (and that's saying something)
- Exercising is the worst thing ever I'll never do it again feeling - cured (again impressive)
- The sand and salt from my beach trip is weighing me down feeling - cured
- Feeling too cold - cured
- Muscle soreness - cured
- The feeling of being encrusted with a sparkly skin disease a.k.a. glitter - cured
- The "I'm too old for this ****" feeling - cured
Ok, so they aren't really a list of ailments. But look at how many feelings that masquerade as ailments can be cured by a simple shower. Really, showers might be the best.
Ok, lauding of showers complete. I'm going to go take one and cure my malaise.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Breaking News: Mugger claims Scurvy made them do it!
Some day it will come to this. One day I will hardly be able to fend off the scurvy and the madness and I will simply snap. This will be my headline. Mugger claims "Scurvy made me do it!"
I can tell you are confused. That furrowed look on your brow, that raised eyebrow, that slightly narrowed eye tell all. You cannot understand what I am talking about. Well how could you? YOU do not have scurvy.
At first I just thought I was tired from working too hard and maybe the tiniest bit lazy. But then I realized the terrible truth. I was in line to buy my handful of bargains at M&S when realization struck. Out of all the things I could have selected to buy I had chosen to buy a lemon cake, a lemon mousse and a grapefruit. I wasn't just tired and lazy. I was craving fruit. I had scurvy! The hard yellow evidence was staring me straight in my scorbutic face.
Scorbutic, that's just such a great word. No, focus Madder Hatter, you must stay focused. Don't let the scurvy take you like this.
Ok, produce wallet, produce change, pay for citrusy products. Almost safe. No, the madness is taking over. The scurvy... It. Is. Too. Powerful.
I stumbled back to my desk at work, delirious with laughter and the sickness. I managed to obtain a spoon somehow in this state, peeled back the lid with trembling fingers and dug into the lemony mousse. Ahhh. The cure. I could feel the sugary lemony goodness fixing me. The madness slowly receded to a normal level and I went back to my work. I had been saved from the scurvy, but not before I had realized my fate.
You see, it seems to be my fate to constantly battle scurvy. I do not eat enough broccoli obviously, as I have explained before here. So it is with a heavy heart that I must realize what my eventual fate will be. I am destined to battle with scurvy my entire life. Yes, tragic, but true.
I will not always be so lucky as to be within reach of a cure, however. So, I am doomed to be the madman on the loose grasping at anything that even looks like a cure.
Mad with the scurvy I will scuttle down the street. Nobody sitting at a quiet breakfast with grapefruit will be safe from my ravenous need for citrus. I will be forced to grab lemony desserts from people's hands and down them without elegance or dignity. Scorbutic hands trembling I am doomed to terrify the lone bearers of fruit flavoured cakes on public transportation.
With wild and anxious aspect I will spy the cakes from a distance, perched prettily on the lap of an unsuspecting bus passenger. My desperate deficiency heightening my senses and screaming that I act now to restore my health, I will leap to my feet and race to my supposed salvation. Muttering in demented demeanor aloud to myself about the scurvy I will pitch back and forth with the motion of the bus. The scurvy will feel the motion, reach back into its ancient memory and believe with renewed audacity that it is afflicting a hapless sailor, demanding satisfaction in a fruit flavoured cake sacrifice to its honour.
I will battle with the scurvy. I am a good person and won't want to take the poor passenger's cake. But the scurvy will be strong and I will eventually be forced to steal their cake. Unceremoniously, I will be found tearing into it to relieve my scurvy and become the world's weirdest and wildest mugger. Stealing cakes from innocent people. Once the scurvy has been sated and my sanity has returned to me it will be too late. I will try to explain that the scurvy made me do it as I am led away in handcuffs for mugging some poor old lady bringing a lemon cake to her friends birthday. But it will be too late she will already be terrified and traumatized by my public scorbutic debacle.
I am doomed. Summer days may find me trying to pry orange popsicles from unsuspecting little fingers. Fingers that will point me out as the orange-handed culprit. Sure, sure I could have asked where they got their popsicles from, but scurvy doesn't heed logic. Scurvy does not brook disappointment. Scurvy is a law unto itself. It is a bleak bleak future that awaits me.
Even if I try to stockpile on citrus products there is no telling when scurvy could strike. I could be anywhere and nobody will be safe from my scorbutic mania. Maybe I should get a lawyer. Perhaps a good lawyer could explain that these innocent victims had knowledge of the whereabouts of the popsicle and cake vendors and that they were withholding that information from me. I was forced to steal the popsicles and cakes out of great underprivileged need.
Or insanity. The insanity plea could work. The terrified lady from the bus could probably testify on my behalf even. Insanity may just be my salvation.
I can tell you are confused. That furrowed look on your brow, that raised eyebrow, that slightly narrowed eye tell all. You cannot understand what I am talking about. Well how could you? YOU do not have scurvy.
At first I just thought I was tired from working too hard and maybe the tiniest bit lazy. But then I realized the terrible truth. I was in line to buy my handful of bargains at M&S when realization struck. Out of all the things I could have selected to buy I had chosen to buy a lemon cake, a lemon mousse and a grapefruit. I wasn't just tired and lazy. I was craving fruit. I had scurvy! The hard yellow evidence was staring me straight in my scorbutic face.
 |
| Maybe the presence of this pirate cake alongside my lemon cake subconsciously started this whole thing? Nah, it was the scurvy. Had to be. |
Ok, produce wallet, produce change, pay for citrusy products. Almost safe. No, the madness is taking over. The scurvy... It. Is. Too. Powerful.
I stumbled back to my desk at work, delirious with laughter and the sickness. I managed to obtain a spoon somehow in this state, peeled back the lid with trembling fingers and dug into the lemony mousse. Ahhh. The cure. I could feel the sugary lemony goodness fixing me. The madness slowly receded to a normal level and I went back to my work. I had been saved from the scurvy, but not before I had realized my fate.
You see, it seems to be my fate to constantly battle scurvy. I do not eat enough broccoli obviously, as I have explained before here. So it is with a heavy heart that I must realize what my eventual fate will be. I am destined to battle with scurvy my entire life. Yes, tragic, but true.
I will not always be so lucky as to be within reach of a cure, however. So, I am doomed to be the madman on the loose grasping at anything that even looks like a cure.
Mad with the scurvy I will scuttle down the street. Nobody sitting at a quiet breakfast with grapefruit will be safe from my ravenous need for citrus. I will be forced to grab lemony desserts from people's hands and down them without elegance or dignity. Scorbutic hands trembling I am doomed to terrify the lone bearers of fruit flavoured cakes on public transportation.
With wild and anxious aspect I will spy the cakes from a distance, perched prettily on the lap of an unsuspecting bus passenger. My desperate deficiency heightening my senses and screaming that I act now to restore my health, I will leap to my feet and race to my supposed salvation. Muttering in demented demeanor aloud to myself about the scurvy I will pitch back and forth with the motion of the bus. The scurvy will feel the motion, reach back into its ancient memory and believe with renewed audacity that it is afflicting a hapless sailor, demanding satisfaction in a fruit flavoured cake sacrifice to its honour.
I will battle with the scurvy. I am a good person and won't want to take the poor passenger's cake. But the scurvy will be strong and I will eventually be forced to steal their cake. Unceremoniously, I will be found tearing into it to relieve my scurvy and become the world's weirdest and wildest mugger. Stealing cakes from innocent people. Once the scurvy has been sated and my sanity has returned to me it will be too late. I will try to explain that the scurvy made me do it as I am led away in handcuffs for mugging some poor old lady bringing a lemon cake to her friends birthday. But it will be too late she will already be terrified and traumatized by my public scorbutic debacle.
I am doomed. Summer days may find me trying to pry orange popsicles from unsuspecting little fingers. Fingers that will point me out as the orange-handed culprit. Sure, sure I could have asked where they got their popsicles from, but scurvy doesn't heed logic. Scurvy does not brook disappointment. Scurvy is a law unto itself. It is a bleak bleak future that awaits me.
Even if I try to stockpile on citrus products there is no telling when scurvy could strike. I could be anywhere and nobody will be safe from my scorbutic mania. Maybe I should get a lawyer. Perhaps a good lawyer could explain that these innocent victims had knowledge of the whereabouts of the popsicle and cake vendors and that they were withholding that information from me. I was forced to steal the popsicles and cakes out of great underprivileged need.
Or insanity. The insanity plea could work. The terrified lady from the bus could probably testify on my behalf even. Insanity may just be my salvation.
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
Rabbit Food and Ruffage
I came home this evening at a quarter past ten in the evening and in sheer desperation I ate two tomatoes. Yes, two. I picked up first one baby tomato and then another and chewed them up whole, unceremoniously and completely unmasked by other foods, flavours or tastes. What has happened to me?
Perhaps I should explain that I have always hated vegetables. And just like everything else in my life it was not a casual dislike and reluctance. I don't do things by half measures. I have always hated vegetables with a passion that stemmed deep from my five year old soul. I declared them rabbit food and refused to eat them. I am not a rabbit so why should I eat rabbit food? Do people eat dog food or cat food I ask you? NO. Nobody would reasonably expect me to eat a dinner comprised of bird food. I didn't see why the delicacies of rabbits should ever be placed upon my plate. I wasn't an ambassador to the rabbit population of my town, or any other town for that matter. I didn't need to improve human rabbit relations by symbolically accepting them and their culture by dining on their foods. No, I didn't eat rabbit food. I waged war on it.
It was ruffage. Or more properly spelled, roughage, and roughage is defined as "the coarse indigestible constituents of food". Indigestible! And you want me to eat it why? Ick. No thank you. Now people will tell you that tomatoes are good for you. That tomatoes are a fruit. But they also come from the night shade family and are therefore a nightshade food. Nightshade foods produce these things called alkaloids that can affect the nervous system and digestive system. You see alkaloids can inhibit this enzyme, cholintesterase, which is found in nerve cells. If it is very strongly inhibited it can disrupt the nerve-muscle system and cause trembling, twitching, paralyzed breathing or convulsions. Great, right? They say that these certain nightshade foods do not block the enzyme to a great enough degree to cause any trouble. Yet, there is no definitive research on the subject. Some researchers recommend cutting it out of the diets of those people with arthritis and other joint problems. And there are many individuals who swear that nightshade foods do cause them joint pain.
Do you know what foods are nightshade foods? It may surprise you to find that the list includes:
Tomatoes
Potatoes
Eggplant
Sweet and hot peppers (bell peppers, and cayenne etc.)
Ground cherries (not real cherries, whatever a ground cherry is...)
Tomatillos
*And a few others. This is not an exhaustive list of nightshade foods.
Some researchers claim that the level of alkaloids in nightshade foods are too small to have any real effect. Yet the alkaloids do exist in these foods and can be shown to inhibit cholintesterase at least to a small degree and cooking only reduces the alkaloids by 40-50%. So, you can make up your own mind. Don't believe me, check out more reputable sources and ask your doctor. But I will argue that these nightshade foods are poison. So, these "oh so healthy for you" tomatoes could in fact be poisoning my body and ruining my joints. Why should I trust your health advice after you advocate poison and indigestible foods. No, thank you, I'll pass. Or at least that is what I used to say to myself.
Yet desperate times called for desperate measures and there I was standing in my kitchen munching down tomatoes. What on earth was happening? I was starving and it was the only food in my house that could be eaten post haste without any cooking, preparation or waiting-time involved. There was no extended longing for that moment of sweet delight when your food is done and you nibble on the first mouthful. No, immediate gratification was what I needed in order to satisfy the monster growing restless and growling from deep within. But it did not end there. The monster demanded a further sacrifice. It demanded I give up my cause. It demanded I eat... a salad. Yes, a salad. complete with leafy green lettuce and carrots, a rabbit couldn't have been happier. I, the Madder Hatter, the crusader against people eating indigestible rabbit food, succumbed and ate not only two tomatoes but also an entire salad.
I can almost hear myself, that logical side I try so hard to suppress, saying desperate times luv, in a Yorkshire accent of course. But this does not excuse my behavior. It is a mere platitude. Who I am? What have I become? There is no going back from what I have done. What will happen next? I may be lead inexorably downward. Next I could be eating dog food, or bird food. Why stop there? I could move on to worm food and just eat dirt. But there is something else about it that is bothering me deep down. It is the slippery slope to all things bad.
Not only do I feel like I have abandoned my morals (see my struggle with technology) I feel I have also lost my identity. I am no longer a rampant ruffage destroying, rabbit food protesting rapscallion. I'm becoming something else. Dare I suggest it, an adult? Gasp, the reality of such a concept is too horrible to even contemplate for one instant. The unadulterated boredom of responsible adult life swept over me for the milisecond I even considered considering that thought. Cringe. No, no, that can't be it. I'm still five. I must be turning into a rabbit. You are what you eat, right? I'm sprouting whiskers and a little bob tail, aren't I? That is the only logical explanation. I'd better do some research on rabbits next.
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| Photo Source: flickr by Swaminathan |
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| Smart cat knows if he waits by the rabbit food the rabbits will come to him. Cool as a cucumber he waits. I bet you can't get him to eat rabbit food. Photo Source: Flickr by Psyberartist |
Do you know what foods are nightshade foods? It may surprise you to find that the list includes:
Tomatoes
Potatoes
Eggplant
Sweet and hot peppers (bell peppers, and cayenne etc.)
Ground cherries (not real cherries, whatever a ground cherry is...)
Tomatillos
*And a few others. This is not an exhaustive list of nightshade foods.
Some researchers claim that the level of alkaloids in nightshade foods are too small to have any real effect. Yet the alkaloids do exist in these foods and can be shown to inhibit cholintesterase at least to a small degree and cooking only reduces the alkaloids by 40-50%. So, you can make up your own mind. Don't believe me, check out more reputable sources and ask your doctor. But I will argue that these nightshade foods are poison. So, these "oh so healthy for you" tomatoes could in fact be poisoning my body and ruining my joints. Why should I trust your health advice after you advocate poison and indigestible foods. No, thank you, I'll pass. Or at least that is what I used to say to myself.
 |
| Look at all those colorful poisons! Photo Source: flickr by moon angel |
Yet desperate times called for desperate measures and there I was standing in my kitchen munching down tomatoes. What on earth was happening? I was starving and it was the only food in my house that could be eaten post haste without any cooking, preparation or waiting-time involved. There was no extended longing for that moment of sweet delight when your food is done and you nibble on the first mouthful. No, immediate gratification was what I needed in order to satisfy the monster growing restless and growling from deep within. But it did not end there. The monster demanded a further sacrifice. It demanded I give up my cause. It demanded I eat... a salad. Yes, a salad. complete with leafy green lettuce and carrots, a rabbit couldn't have been happier. I, the Madder Hatter, the crusader against people eating indigestible rabbit food, succumbed and ate not only two tomatoes but also an entire salad.
I can almost hear myself, that logical side I try so hard to suppress, saying desperate times luv, in a Yorkshire accent of course. But this does not excuse my behavior. It is a mere platitude. Who I am? What have I become? There is no going back from what I have done. What will happen next? I may be lead inexorably downward. Next I could be eating dog food, or bird food. Why stop there? I could move on to worm food and just eat dirt. But there is something else about it that is bothering me deep down. It is the slippery slope to all things bad.
Not only do I feel like I have abandoned my morals (see my struggle with technology) I feel I have also lost my identity. I am no longer a rampant ruffage destroying, rabbit food protesting rapscallion. I'm becoming something else. Dare I suggest it, an adult? Gasp, the reality of such a concept is too horrible to even contemplate for one instant. The unadulterated boredom of responsible adult life swept over me for the milisecond I even considered considering that thought. Cringe. No, no, that can't be it. I'm still five. I must be turning into a rabbit. You are what you eat, right? I'm sprouting whiskers and a little bob tail, aren't I? That is the only logical explanation. I'd better do some research on rabbits next.
 |
| Smart cat guards the rabbit food knowing I must come for it. He is waiting. He sees through me. There is no escape. Photo Source: flickr by Psyberartist |
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