Wait for the Stars

The dark has fallen, 

But wait for the stars.

The darkness may be deepening, 

But wait for the stars.

Even if the clouds pour rain upon you,

They must soon pass, so wait,

Wait for the stars.

I know you fear the darkness you have already seen,

But this is not an endless nightmare.

Wait for the stars.

You are haunted by the dark of broken dreams,

But this is only the nighttime, 

Wait for the stars.

No matter how dark it is,

Or how dark it was,

There is always hope, 

Even if it is very small and very far away.

Even if it is only one faint star in the whole of the sky.

Do not let the darkness overwhelm you,

One star will always bring more.

Just wait.

Please wait.

Wait for the stars.

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Rest Gently Shadow my boy.  One day I will see you again in the stars.  Til then I will wait for grief to pass slowly like the nighttime.  I will trust in the stars even when I cannot see them.  Soon, soon one will shine and the light will increase and slowly the grief will fade.  

The Not Quite Austen's - Jane Austen Inspired Film Adaptations Ranked

This is the list of the not quite Jane Austen's and retellings I've seen.  Or rather, this is my ranked list of them.  I will add to this as I see more.  Why do I call these the "not quite Austen's"?  They are either movies that were inspired by Austen but are very original works, or in some cases retellings set in modern times, or movies simply about Jane Austen and her works.

If I want to watch an adaptation I want to revel in the clothes and beautiful manor houses in England, the beauty of the time on display visually in a movie.  I do not want to watch a movie set in modern times and in high school (I'm looking at you Clueless).  Unless it's doing something more, telling a different story, I don't want my adaptations to be set in modern times.  I don't mind the "not quite Austen's" that are set in modern times if they are telling a slightly different story, like Austenland, or The Jane Austen Book Club.

These movies have their own list because I couldn't quite place these in the other list.  But here is my ranking of the Not Quite Austen's and retellings.

1. Lost in Austen 2008

My favorite "not quite Austen".  In this story, Amanda, an avid fan of Pride and Prejudice ends up inside the Pride and Prejudice story and has to figure out how to not ruin it or her own happy ending.  It's cute, it's interesting.  It explores the original characters as they deal with life in very new situations.  All of them involving a very modern Amanda who does not fit in no matter how hard she tries.

It is not faithful to the book, obviously.  I find it delightful.  I like that we learn things about Caroline Bingley and George Wickham that feel appropriate and are still fun and new.  I like that we learn Mr. Bennet's first name.  I like the way she has to come to grips with living in a story and how desperately she tries to keep the story together as it falls apart ever faster.

I like that we briefly see some Pride and Prejudice characters in modern London, but not so much so that it overtakes the story.

I do love Pride and Prejudice enough to really worry about the characters as the story goes painfully sideways.  I had moments of real concern and that's what makes this such a lovely story.  This story, like Austen's work, has real circumstances and obstacles that pose true challenges for the characters.  Like Austen's work those characters who deserve it also end up with happy endings, even if they are nontraditional.

2. Austenland 2013

Simply fun.  An obsessive Pride and Prejudice fan goes on an expensive holiday to a Jane Austen immersive experience.  She arrives at a magnificent mansion is immediately told she is the least important guest and has the "basic copper package" while everyone else has the platinum elite packages.  She is dubbed Miss Erstwhile and things don't seem to be going as planned.

It's charming.  There is both romance and silliness.  The characters are over the top fans, hired actors to "romance" the guests, and airheads.  Yes, it's totally silly, but I think it's just fun.  It doesn't take itself too seriously.  The movie contains terrible sewing projects, beautifully terrible music and plays, and romance.  It is sort of a Pride and Prejudice retelling.  It's a feel-good movie.  And Kerri Russell and J.J. Field are utterly charming.

This is actually based on a book called Austenland by Shannon Hale.  It's a satisfying tribute to Jane Austen and subtly skewers the ridiculous while telling a lovely story.  It's not quite like the movie.  It's better, and I would highly recommend it.

3. Jane Austen Book Club 2007

Also based on a book, this story follows a group of women who form a book club to support each other through the problems of modern life.  Together they face death, divorce, relationships, and love with the help of their friendship and the "Jane Austen Book Club".  It is a charming story about friends and book lovers that both shows real-life experiences and explores the ways that reading can liberate you, inspire you, and help teach you to grow as a person.  A good book can help you through a crisis and bring you back to the world as a more thoughtful individual.  Part of this movie's charm is in the real friendships it displays and how they help each other through this book club that, as Grig says is "the all Jane Austen all the time" book club. 

It is a story that is mostly about the women and their friendships and relationships.  However, I do love the way that the men have a part to play in this story.  It's mostly from the women's point of view but we see the men getting influenced and drawn into this book club as the story progresses.  I love the way different parts of their lives mirror different parts of Jane Austen's books.  This allows us to have a teachable moment at the end where one of the men realizes that all the Austen men get a chance to explain themselves.  He is encouraged to try to repair his relationship with a well-written letter.

What makes this story fun is that it's all the Jane Austen stories rolled into one.  It has its rough moments, its tears, but it's also a celebration of endurance, humanity, friendship, and literature.  It's a better film than Austenland, but it's also slightly more about modern life than actual Austen stories, so it's third for me.

4. Becoming Jane 2007

This is a lovely movie about Jane Austen's younger life before she is a known author.  It's romantic, moving and beautifully filmed.  This movie makes me cry.  It more or less broke my heart for Jane.  This is a movie that weaves fact and fiction into a realistic and heartbreaking portrayal of Jane Austen's romance with Tom Lefroy.  Tom Lefroy is completely charming in this movie.   The movie is a moving portrayal of the facts that we know, with a story in between them that is fictional, yes, but could have been real.  It really was well done, but it was hard to watch.  I'm a softy, I like my movies to end well.

If you're interested in more on this story, a good place to start is with this article from the Jane Austen Society of North America, "Becoming Jane: Sorting Fact from Fiction".

5. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies 2016

Well, it's Pride and Prejudice.  And it's not.  And it's good actually.  Surprising as that may be.

It is a well-done movie with funny moments and beautiful cinematography.  It has zombies so it's also gruesome and strange.  But it has a certain appeal.

I won't lie, I wanted to hate it.  But I did not hate it.  Much to my shock (and possibly my regret?  I mean I'm glad I didn't feel my time was a waste but do I feel as though I've betrayed my own taste in liking the movie - if that makes any sense).  I really don't like zombie movies.  Yet, I liked this movie.  It was good.

It is a retelling of Pride and Prejudice with some obvious alterations.  I love that it's still set in the Regency era.  I don't love zombies, so I was never going to love this movie with my whole heart.  However, I found it surprisingly well-done and I do, in fact, mean to watch it again some day.  Though perhaps as a Halloween movie.

6. Miss Austen Regrets 2007

This is a movie about Jane Austen's life.  As one might suspect from the title this is not a light-hearted movie.  The story examines Jane Austen's life as she reaches her later years.  Through the eyes of Jane's niece Fanny, we see Jane Austen's choices and regrets in life.  

Fanny, Jane Austen's niece grounds much of the story

Olivia Williams is a fantastic Jane Austen, but the portrayal of Jane in this movie is a little sharp and difficult.  Since we are seeing Jane mostly through Fanny's story, we jump around a fair amount and it can be a bit difficult to follow who all the players are and what the story is for a few moments.  Much is obscure if one is not already familiar with Jane's life.  For instance, we know that Jane's sister Cassandra persuades her not to marry Harris Bigg and we know that she had her own reasons for it.  You have to know about Cassandra's life to know what's going on because this movie never tells you.  So, knowing, as I do that Cassandra's fiance died abroad leaving her heart-broken, the scene where "Cass" tells Jane she had her own reasons for not wanting Jane to marry makes sense.  If you don't know the history, you're left to wonder if Cass was jealous, or worried about her own future.  It leaves you asking lots of questions.   

Olivia Williams is such a lovely multi-faceted Jane in this film

It's a beautifully filmed movie and it is entirely believable.  I love that we see beautifully put together scenes of daily life, with Cassandra and Mrs. Austen doing chores along with the servants while Jane reads to them.  I love that we see a real difference in the cost of different character's clothes, without it being taken to an excessive degree.  The sets, the scenes, the landscapes, they're all just beautiful.  I love seeing the adorable scenes where Fanny is falling for Mr. Plumbtree.  Chasing each other about in the garden with a crimson ribbon was beautiful, romantic, lavish, and tender. 

I'm just not sure that I love this movie.  I don't love this particular interpretation of Jane Austen's personality.  I like to imagine that Jane Austen was a combination of some of her heroines, the wit and ability of Lizzy, the self-assured confidence of Emma.  It's all speculation, of course, so it's hard to draw firm lines.  And it may very well be that Jane had many regrets, but it was difficult to watch a deeply regretful, self-pitying, spiky Jane.  I don't mind seeing Jane proud of her work and at odds with conventional society.  I don't mind her being portrayed as a shameless flirt or a cynic.  I do not, however, like to see her being cruel to people not sharp enough to keep up with her wit.

It was definitely a good movie, but I had a hard time watching it. It was difficult for me to have an unvarnished look at hard choices and realities of the time without any comedy or pleasant twists to soften them.  Thinking about Jane reviewing her life and trying to pretend she's happy while being lonely is just difficult.  Anyone who loves Austen novels feels a little bit like they know and love the real Jane Austen behind them all.  And we none of us like to think of our beloved friends suffering (even if we only imagine them to be our friends).

I mean, the movie is titled Miss Austen Regrets.  It's good, but it's definitely heavier.  And it's fairly realistic which in this case is both intriguing and a bitter pill to swallow.  What I don't understand is how the movie is based on what we know of Jane's life through letters and yet Cassandra plays such a minor role.  We never read anything from Cassandra written to Jane.  Considering that some of Jane's major regrets (at least in this film's telling) are tangled up with Cassandra's fate as well.  

It's a beautiful film but it's so sad.  It's hard to believe that I ranked it below Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.  I'm not sure I believe it myself.  But the leaps in the story, and the fact that this isn't how I'd like to imagine Jane Austen make this not as fun for me.  Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was definitely fun.  I can't believe it either.  But I'll end with some more pretty photos from this beautiful film.

7. Pride and Prejudice, Cut 2019

It seems to also have a second title, called "Becoming Ms. Bennet: Pride & Prejudice".  Everywhere it is listed online under this title except for IMDb which has it listed as "Pride and Prejudice, Cut."  Go figure.  Well, whatever you call it, this was a cute little movie where an American internet star named Kate is cast as Lizzy in a British film production of Pride and Prejudice.  It's about acting, getting dialogues right, learning parts, navigating the film production drama and all the while they act lines from Pride and Prejudice, the characters are all experiencing the Pride and Prejudice story off screen as well.  

The parallel Pride and Prejudice storylines were very cute and done in a naturalistic and believable way.  Our Darcy is an accomplished and classically trained British actor who at first looks down on our Lizzy who is just an internet personality.  He comes to admire her and her work ethic as we watch Wickham being a self-obsessed actor who meddles with too many people, including the woman holding the purse-strings on this venture.  And of course, our Jane and Bingley and our Darcy and Elizabeth both end up together as couples in the end, as they should.

It's definitely more fun than Miss Austen Regrets, but it's not as well filmed.  Miss Austen Regrets is a far superior production of a sad story.  This is a cute little feel good movie, which I enjoyed more, but is definitely not on the same level.  The costumes are mostly modern since the majority of this little movie is done pre filming of their little movie and they rehearse in modern clothes.  The few Regency clothes we do see are really barely passable at all.  Nothing is glaringly wrong with it, it's just not as high a production value.  It's a little fluff piece, but it's worth a watch if you want something light and fluffy with a happy familiar ending.

8. Clueless 1995

          Technically this is an adaptation of Emma, though I personally consider it a "not quite Austen".  It's a modern retelling so it's set in Beverly Hills High School.  It does poke fun at the "in-crowd" which I appreciate.  But I didn't love this movie when I first saw it and I feel like I'm far too old to love it now. 

          Personally, I don't think it aged well.  The writers did an excellent job of setting the dialogue so firmly in the slang of 90's teens that it feels really cringe to me at this point.  Admittedly, I have not once ever been cool, so what do I know?

          I do actually think it's a better and more consistent story than the Emma with Gwyneth Paltrow from 1996.  However, I consider this movie a "not quite Austen" because it's set in modern L.A. in high school.  It's my list, and I didn't like it, so I've made it last.  I know that this may not align with popular opinion.

          Clueless does have its charming moments.  I like the father even though he has a rather minor role.  He is a busy lawyer, not a hypochondriac in this version, but nobody is perfect.  He is still a really cute father in this movie.  I appreciate that while he spoils Cher he sits her down to tell her that he doesn't want her dating some boy who can't see her merits.  It's a timelessly great message.  I also appreciate watching him smile as he sees his step-son falling for Cher.  Saying nothing about his protective behavior and then seeing that knowing smile, it's pretty cute.

          Perhaps my favorite scene is when Dionne is learning how to drive and accidentally gets on the highway in LA.  I laughed hysterically as they all screamed, convinced they were going to die.  I'm quite sure that this has nothing to do with my personal feelings about driving in LA.  How dare you even suggest it?  Ok, it does, but it's still a great scene.

          Another thing I appreciate about this film is what it does with the character of Frank Churchill.  In this movie, his name is Christian and he's gay.  I appreciate this so much more.  He has complex realities to deal with, he's not intentionally trying to lead Cher on.  Once he realizes that she's a little too into him, he backs off.  I appreciate that.  I never enjoy watching characters be total jerks, even when they have good reasons for it.  I have never been a fan of how Frank Churchill used Emma to hide his engagement to Jane Fairfax (who he is awful to throughout the story until the very end).  He doesn't deserve any of the women in my opinion.  In this version, Christian just becomes Cher's really good friend, and I prefer it this way.

          Maybe I'm just an old soul.  I don't think I've ever really enjoyed stories set in high school, with all the antics and drama that come with them.  Even though this film is making fun of the high school dynamics, it's still not my favorite thing to watch.  Yes, the drama does make a bit more sense when it's with high-schoolers.  Emma would have been 21 according to the book, but in some ways, her more juvenile antics make more sense as a 16-year-old character.  But watching a very drama-filled high school rendition of Emma sort of made me cringe.  Emma is not my favorite story to begin with, and setting it in high school was too much for me.  Perhaps I'm just too old.  Or maybe I've always been too old.

If there are other Jane Austen adjacent movies that are really good, I'd love to hear about them.  Is there anything that I simply must watch?

Other Austen Adaptation Rankings

To see my ranking of Every Jane Austen Adaptation, go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Pride and Prejudice adaptations, you can go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Persuasion Adaptations, you can go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Emma Adaptations, you can go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Sense and Sensibility Adaptations, you can go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Mansfield Park Adaptations, you can go here.

For my discussion of the Lady Susan Adaptation (Love and Friendship), you can go here. 
For my discussion/ranking of all the Northanger Abbey Adaptations, you can go here.

I have a whole page dedicated to Jane Austen where you can find my rankings of different movie adaptations and essays etc.

All Things Jane Austen

Hope Writer Challenge - Restore

Today's prompt for the @hopewriters writing challenge is Restore. #hopewriterlife

I cannot tell you how words and stories may restore other people. I can only speak to my experience. I can only tell you what words do for me.

Sometimes the world is too much and the messages of doubt and fear and inadequacy overwhelm me. They begin to reinforce those intensely negative thoughts my inner critic tells me when I'm not paying too much attention. This inter critic is insidious, it won't engage when I answer back with logic because it knows it has nothing to say.

But it whispers dark fears in my ear when I am not on my guard. And sometimes it's blows land and I'm left reeling, wondering if it's right. That is the moment words are the most critical. I have to find the right ones to join my cause. Recruit the write poetry and friends to stand with me as I prepare for battle.
And for me, I must always do battle on paper. I must write.

You see, the critic thrives on emotion and in the dark corners of your mind where logic can't illuminate it and it can loom shadowy and unopposed. If I drag that inter critic into the light and put it on paper it doesn't stand a chance. The arguments don't hold up. Spoken in dark whispers, "you are worthless" or "you're unnecessary" can be weighty and can coil around you and feel inescapable. Such sentiments prey upon your emotions.

When you put those critiques on paper and engage with the ideas, it takes a little of the weight and sting out of them. So for every dark emotional thought that I'm worthless, that I'll never be a writer and my work is rubbish, that I'm a terrible person (the worst in fact); I make the effort to find at least one argument against them. I do help people and many people rely on me for support. I am capable of many things. And even if I wasn't, every human has worth. I may not be published yet, but I'm not quitting. I am a writer and no writer is perfect, that's what drafts and editing are for. I'm not a terrible person. I'm certainly not the worst ever. Historical examples of worse people abound. And I do what I can. I'm only human but I'm not a bad one. I'm kind of a decent person actually.

Just like that the tide of emotional darkness turns. In the battle for my mind, I drag my opponents into the light and expose their poison and trickery. I defeat them with carefully planned logic and words. Healthier words, truer words, more positive words.

Half the battle is knowing that you're in it and the other half is perseverance. You do not restore yourself in an instant with a flick of your wrist like magic. Restoration is a process, a journey, a series of determined actions.

For me it is important to change the story whenever I feel overwhelmed and belittled. If I feel obligated to attend a party that will be challenging for me because certain attendees make me feel small; I change the story. I look at myself and say "you have a choice. You are choosing to attend this party because you are larger than fear. You are the Queen and you have magnanimously decided to allow your enemies to attend. Pay them no attention." I might still be anxious, but making a conscious choice to turn the story around makes me feel less trapped by circumstances. I feel less small.

Remember that your life is greatly shaped and altered by the story you craft for yourself. Do not let it be created entirely by the critic who's views are false. Make sure you combat it with truth and hope. If you struggle to find the right words, augment your story with poetry that touches your soul. You can borrow someone else's words to help lift your wings.

You are the hero of your own story. No, you cannot change what has come before but you always have a chance to decide what happens next. You can pick yourself up and go about the important process of restoring yourself, put yourself back together with hope, words and perseverance.

So find good words. 

Find great words. 

Write your own words and don't ever accept defeat. 

Imagine a better future and fight for it.

Hope Writer Challenge - Remember

Today for @hopewriters writing challenge #hopewriterlife the topic is Remember.

When we talk about remembering it is important to keep in mind that memory is not perfect. It is perfectly possible to forget something that felt momentous at the time whereas seemingly insignificant things can linger for years to come.

I find that it is almost more important to record the little things that happen. The small moments that mean so much in life because life is not a straight forward journey. For me, I'm making sure to record the little things that surprise me during this time of global pandemic. I want to remember in years to come the things that made me smile in the midst of tragedy, the moments of friendship that lightened my load and encouraged me. I want to record for posterity the things that surprised me during this time and the things that I learned.

I used this double photo (in a spinning double sided frame) for today's image because I feel it represents life both in its journey and its singular strength and beauty. There are things I wish I could forget about this time, burdens I do not wish to bear. This frame sits on my desk to remind me that life is a journey much like a spiral staircase. It's as much about going sideways and around as it is about going up. Progress in life is often accomplished by going many steps sideways before you go forward.

On the other side is a photo of two buildings from two very different ages, both beautiful. It is straight lines and reflections. These buildings tell me that strength and beauty look different in different times. Every age of your life holds a different piece of your truth. Your strength and beauty grows and changes with time reflecting your progress, your journey. You are no less strong or beautiful for having different shapes and emphases in different ages of your life. Even as you reinvent yourself, it is built upon your old strength, just as the older building is reflected in the windows of the newer one.

May this remind you, as it does me, that even if you're different from the other buildings, you are still beautiful. You are still strong. You just need to keep following your own lines. Be your own building, for that is where your strength and beauty lies. 

Remember that and it will help you through the tough days when all your steps go sideways and you cannot see the end of the winding stairs. 

Remember too, that even when nobody around you looks like you, you are strong and beautiful and that your steps will wind upwards slowly even when you can't see it.

Hope Writer Challenge - Reach

An enormous Italian Renaissance style sunset over my house for the #hopewriterlife, writing challenge for @hopewriters about Reach.

Reimagine 2020 with an Idea of Writing Reach and Change

Italian Renaissance Style Sunset over San Diego

The moment I begin to reimagine this year I start by imagining it without cornonavirus.  My very next thoughts are of comparison, reflecting on the deep differences we see between now and the years we've known of late.  So, for me to reimagine this year with the themes of writing and reach in mind I must compare my present with the recent past.

Writing for me has always been something I must do on occasion when I can't sleep.  My mind runs mad with stories or turns of phrase that demand to be recorded.  Sometimes writing is how I process my world and thoughts, and it's the only thing that keeps me from falling to bits.  All of this is to say that writing had been a deeply internal process for me and reaching any sort of audience with my writing has been a rather new thought.

Only in this last year I stated to notice that there is a part of me that wants to be seen and heard with my writing.  And as much as it scares me to bare pieces of my soul to the world thus, there has been a nagging thought that it is selfish of me to keep these pretty turns of phrase and hopeful midnight musings to myself.

I don't exactly have grand dreams of reaching an audience for myself.  There's a large part of me that's still frightened to be seen.  But when I think of the purpose of my writing, especially now, I think it is my purpose, my duty, to offer help with words in any way I can.

In these strange times I've been writing again, for a data center company of all places; offering hope that people and communities can and will take care of one another in these days of doubt and fear.  In this unlikely place, I have found the opportunity to bring messages of the way that our infrastructure connects us, instead of focusing on our distance.

That is not to say that I don't feel fear and doubt myself.  I too have been overwhelmed. I have had my share of anxious nights.  I have cried for myself and those around me, feeling our losses and our hardships keenly.  I simply choose, whenever I feel such emotions, to seek out stories that acknowledge pain and still uplift.

I have in my search found hope in the strangest places.  I have found large companies using their considerable Reach to send messages of hope, connection and perseverance.  I have seen neighbors help one another, offering the help and services they can.  I have seen people donating food and masks and supplies where they can.  I have seen people writing letters to friends and holding video chats to check in with one another.  I have been invited to free painting classes and seen many strangers advertise free counseling and tutoring during this time.  We are all offering what we can.

And it may not be seen as a lot by the eyes of the outside world, but together when we all offer what we can to anyone we can help, we all make the difference.  My reach my not be large.  The five masks I helped make may not be enough.  And the words I can offer may not be groundbreaking.  But together, that is where we have magic.

For the reach of one person is small, but with many hands and more helpers we can reach so much further. If I can help one person who can then help two more, together we can make all the difference. Doing our bit is all we can do. Even as we may feel isolated and alone, even as we feel powerless, if we find one way to help someone else shoulder the burden of this time we are doing our bit. And together we can change the world. 

Together our reach is infinite and we are unstoppable.

I wrote this on May 12th and I think it's more true than ever.  As I reread it this week knowing what turmoil we are in trying to address the blatant racism and tragedy we have all seen it only rings more true.  Individually we may be small, and our reach unimportant.  But together, with all of us doing one small thing, we can make the world a better place.  Together our reach is infinite and we are truly unstoppable.

Making Art When Your Heart is Broken

There is a beautiful quote by Shane L. Koyczan:

"If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces." Shane L. Koyczan

When my heart is broken that's what I try to do.  I try to pick up the pieces and bravely find beauty.  I turn my sadness, my brokenness, my trauma into art.  I write of darkness and hope.  I write of crying and grieving.  I write of carrying on even if that means sitting down to cry.  

I have recently realized that part of this need to create art with my brokenness is because I have far too many feelings to leave them bottled up inside.  They well up, they overwhelm and then they overflow into what I do.  

This is Strach the Opossum, he is currently reading the Highly Sensitive Person and some Poetry by W.E. Henley and doing a bit of journaling.

I'm reading a book called The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.  In it she has some very interesting research that talks about sensitive people.  Roughly 20% of the population is sensitive.  It is a real, measurable and scientifically proven trait.  And yes, we do feel everything more deeply.  This has to do, in short, with mirror neurons.  The way that mirror neurons work is that if you watch someone else kick a soccer ball your brain will have activity in the same area that moves the leg etc.  Because even just watching someone else do something, your brain processes the movements and so forth, so you feel a tiny fraction of what they are doing or feeling.  

They've done lots of research that I won't bore you with here, that proves that highly sensitive people have much more activity in their mirror neurons.  What does that mean?  That means that when you tell us a sad story, we empathize much more deeply than 80% of the population.  We really do feel it more.  You can read more about her book and blogs on the Highly Sensitive Person Website.

What that means for me is I feel everything so intensely that it often overflows or overwhelms me.  In the last few weeks I've been struggling to re-contextualize many of the struggles I've had all my life with this new knowledge that I'm not just "weak" or "too sensitive", that I'm actually processing and feeling more than 80% of my fellow men.  So, I'm frequently up crying about a story that someone has told me, hours after they've forgotten it.  I have trouble sleeping during this time of intense injustice and death.  I fear for the lives of everyone struggling with the unseen menace of Covid-19 and the insidious disease of Racism.  And I feel it all so very deeply that I can't sleep.  

So, I must do something. I often carry the burdens of other people's sadness long after it's healthy for me to do so.  I wrote about a person I met only once and couldn't stop thinking about in my post The Loneliness of a Stranger.  Often I feel sad for people I can't help.  I worry about people I'll never see again.  And I sometimes catch myself feeling glum about abandoned objects.  I personify them and feel sad for their loneliness.  It's too much.  So I write.  I write about the sadness and I write about hope.

I've written multiple posts about the heart and the heaviness that can live there.  I've written The Heart is the Final Frontier, and When a Glass Heart Shatters, and Mending a Heart of Glass.  In those I talk of hardships and how I dealt with them, the way I grieved and my new theory that it takes nine months to rebuild and repair a heart and I think it's no coincidence that it's the same amount of time it takes to create a brand new heart.

I've written of hardships but also of hope, of love and support.  I wrote about rekindling broken dreams in Stars in the Darkness.  

I make art with my heartbreak.  If it helps one person feel less alone it was worth sharing.  If it is only read by me, but it allows me to sleep, it's worth writing.  

And lately I've decided to try to make more positive beautiful things to fill the world with joy.  Don't get me wrong, I'll still write about sadness and darkness.  I think toxic positivity is a blight.  It denies us the true depth of feelings and the ability to heal through grief and sitting with and working through our sadness.  You cannot just plaster a smile on some things and pretend you don't need to feel.  It's not healthy or productive.  But that being said, while I do need to cry and grieve, and talk about my sorrows, I always want there to be hope.  Just like I wrote poetically about the journey through happiness, depression and back in Winter Without Happiness.  I still talk about the darkness, but I don't leave it there, I try to always end with hope.

So, of late, I have been trying to fill the world with hope and joy and beauty.  I'm trying to take my fears and my anxieties and acknowledge them but gently put them to the side and make beautiful things anyway.  I've been trying to write a book and it's hard and I'm nervous about not being good enough.  What if I don't do the story justice?  What if I write it poorly?  What if I don't portray my characters fairly?  What if I really don't have any idea what I'm doing and it all fails horribly?  

This is my writing buddy, the opossum named Strach.  He looks capable doesn't he?

If you had to characterize my inner fears and nature as an animal, I'm an opossum.  I'm a terrified baby opossum, with my mouth open swaying back and forth from terror.  About to pass out from fright.  It's not pretty.  It's pathetic really (in a melodramatic and slightly comical way).  So I ordered myself a tiny plush opossum friend to sit beside my computer when I try to write.  I've named him Strach, the Czech word for fear.  Whenever I get nervous I look at Strach and I pet him nicely, talking to him softly with compassion, and I reassure him and my fears, and then I keep writing. 

And this is so common for all creatives to have crippling doubts and horrible unspoken fears of unworthiness.  I've been trying to address this inner fear, this inner critic, this inner doubter with calm logic.  Because these overwhelming fears don't hold up with logic.  What if I can't do justice to the story?  Then I will make edits until I do.  What if I write it poorly?  I will learn to write better through practice and I'll make edits.  What if I don't portray my characters fairly?  I'll have readers help tell me how they feel and I'll write a second draft.  What if I really don't have any idea what I'm doing and it all fails horribly?  I can only fail if I stop trying.  I'll learn what I don't currently know and keep working on it til it works.  I like to address these because there's usually a secret fear under those that comes out last.  For instance, it'll go something like.  What if I'll never be good enough?  Or, I don't know anything!  And you feel so much better if you say, I am good enough to try and I'll keep learning til I get there.  Or, I know lots of things!  And I can always learn more.

So, I'm trying to gently set aside fear and anxiety and hurt and write of hope and beauty.  I'm trying to make art with all the broken pieces of my heart.  

And if it takes me an entire lifetime of creating beautiful things to make up for the pain and sorrow I've witnessed, then it will be a life well lived.  

In Defense of a Murder of Crows

I read an article today that denounced the phrase Murder of Crows in particular and all other "absurd" words for groups of animals. While I accept that some of these terms, venery, dating from the Middle Ages, may in fact be antiquated I had several points at which I did not agree with the article. If you are interested you may find the original article here.

"Squamish 2015-01-11 064-LR" by jamesabbott1963 is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 

The first question Mr. Nicholas Lund asks is whether anyone actually uses these terms, because he contends that he has never heard them used. I've not going to sit here and argue that everyone uses all the plural animal nouns all the time.  However, if the author has never heard any grouping words for animals used aside from flock and herd, I would say he hasn't been talking to enough people in the world. I've heard plenty of them used by real people in all seriousness including the following terms: 

· Bats: colony 

· Bees: hive, swarm 

· Camels: caravan, train, or herd 

· Crows: murder 

· Dogs: litter (of puppies), pack (in the wild), 

· Dolphins: pod 

· Geese: gaggle 

· Lions: pride 

· Porpoises: pod, school 

· Prairie dogs: colonies 

· Rabbits: colony, nest, warren 

· Whales: pod 

· Wolves: pack 

· Vipers: nest 

Now, I agree that are some incredibly odd terms for specific animals are not used in normal parlance. I admit that I've never heard someone refer to a collective group of bears as a sleuth or rhinos as a stubbornness. But then, I also don't live in a place where I run into wild groups of rhinos. If I was late to work because a group of rhinos parked themselves in the road I could reasonably call them a stubbornness because it would describe the belligerent way that they collectively made my morning more difficult. Luckily, that has never happened to me in the Southwestern United States. But I have personally referred to bees as a hive and swarm, and geese as a gaggle, and crows as a murder, and I've heard plenty of other people do so. 

A small murder perched on a wire. - "Evening chat" by -Niloy- is licensed under CC BY 2.0 

Mr. Lund tries to argue that scientists don't use them and therefore nobody really does. That's simply not an accurate sampling of the population. It might prove that scientists don't use those terms but it doesn't answer his posed question: 

Are there actual people in the real world who use special group names for certain species? Or is there just one nerd in an office somewhere with a field guide in one hand and a dictionary in the other, matching each species with a cute little term and laughing maniacally when the world collectively coos over the pairing? 

After he proves that scientists don't use terms of venery he claims that they exist only in the "world of bar trivia," where, "without real-world applications" they are "just morsels of linguistic candy rotting cavities into our scientific integrity".  I argue that trivia is not really the point of these group names. I don't argue that the terms have no scientific value. My problem is in the vehemence with which he believes the words should be removed from the English language. He proposed we replace them with bland but more scientific words like group.

No doubt calling this crow a visitor or a friend is also a transgression against the purity of scientific integrity but I like the photographer's point of view - "Crow visitor" by Fernettes is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 

Would you really say... "Oh look at this group of jellyfish on the beach"?  You'd probably at least say this whole group, or, look at all of these jellyfish or, look there's thousands of jellyfish!  Because using the word group alone is too boring and entirely lacking in descriptive power. If thousands of jellyfish were surrounding a boat that I happened to be floating in, and they were slapping into the sides with every swell of water that lapped against the edges of my boat, I would probably call them a smack in that case too. I'd probably lean over the edge watch them smack into the boat, look further out and see an endless flotilla of them and say "Oh my God there's a smack of jellyfish out here, look!" Maybe it would come out slightly differently, but I would bet you substantial money that I would not say "look a GROUP of jellyfish!" 

Language is sometimes about tone and sometimes about feeling. And you can't convey those things with the word group.  I'm not arguing that some of these other words, these terms of venery, have any scientific value.  I merely believe that they have literary and poetic value.

Could you really capture the mood and tone of this moment by describing it as a group of three crows on a  roof?  I contend that you cannot. - "Cathedral of Our Lady" by marikoen is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0 

I personally have not heard people say "a group of crows". I admit that I'm unusual and have unusual preferences, but it would stand out to me if people said group, because it would not be my preferred word for this context. I don't hear people use this. I've heard them use an exact count of the crows or the word flock, but honestly, I've heard many, many people refer to crows as a murder. Now, you could use the work flock, or group, sure. It just seems to me that most people don't do so, because it doesn't convey as much feeling. 

Is this just a crow or is this a solitary crow?  Words matter even if there is no scientific value to that distinction. - "as the crow flies" by Simon Clarke is licensed under CC BY-ND 4.0 

Let me illustrate my point by telling you about the same morning in two different ways.  Firstly, using boring, strictly factual language and then again using poetic language Mr. Lund would disapprove of. 

Version A. 

I drove to work and I arrived about a minute late and there was this group of crows in my parking spot. I was briefly worried about hitting them while I parked, but I was also late. They scattered. Then I went inside and remembered it was my 90 day review. 

Version B. 

I drove to work this morning and arrived about a minute late. As I pulled into the parking lot there was a murder of crows waiting for me in my normal spot. I was ONLY a minute late but I was afraid to run over them, and then again, I was already late, so I hesitated briefly. I had this ominous feeling as their dark wings took to the sky and then I remembered as I looked over my shoulder at them on the way into the building that today was my 90 day review. 

Which version of my story conveys more of my internal emotional goings on? The one where I say group of crows and leave it to strict facts? There is nothing scientific about either story, but the story that contains the offensive "linguistic candy rotting cavities into our scientific integrity" is actually a much better story about my morning and how I felt about it. And despite his assertions, my poetic story has done no damage to any actual scientific integrity. 

If I called this a flurry of crows you would know what I meant, even if it's not the accepted collective noun for crows. - "as the crow flies" by Simon Clarke is licensed under CC BY-ND 4.0 

Another of his points is that these terms, being that they only exist in the world of bar trivia, could easily be replaced with more interesting and scientific facts. He is right in a way. Trivia could be more interesting and scientific (such as the shape of wombat poop). However, the way that I use the terms for different animals is not in a field of trivia, it's in how I actually describe things in my world. And I would personally much rather have a poetic discussion about the things I actually see and experience in the world than a factual one about the shape of wombat fecal matter, regardless of how unusual it may be. Sorry, Mr. Lund, I think replacing venery with fecal facts is simply not the way to go. 

Then there is the point in which he mentions that "I just don’t see enough groups of other animals to need more words". Mr. Lund, I am ashamed. You don't see any other animals than cows and birds?  You seriously don't need any other words than herd and flock?  Scientist, lifelong birder, or not, if he doesn't see enough groups of other animals to need other words than flock, herd, and group, I suggest he doesn't see enough animals. Or perhaps he does and he is simply not using English in an interesting enough way. Does he call dogs in a plural form a herd or a group?  Does he refer to swarms of bees as groups?  He can continue doing as he chooses of course. But I think his language is lacking if he uses strictly and only the words, flock, herd and group for all animals that he sees or talks about.

He concedes that "certain terms of venery have made the transition from factoid to actual phrase. Pod of whales. Troop of monkeys. Gaggle of geese. Pack of wolves."  That almost makes this article worse for me.  It seems to me that Mr. Lund is saying, you can use terms that don't irritate me, but if it irritates me I will say that you are morally corrupting our scientific integrity with your choice of words.  Do tell, Mr. Lund, when does something gain enough strength in popularity for you to deem it an "actual phrase" and allow us, in your great magnanimity to use it as part of the English language?

I will now concede that I personally think some of the terms are silly.  I do not see why anyone would refer to a roiling mass of rattlesnakes as a rhumba, I think it disgraces the dance and does not adequately convey the horror of such a mass of snakes.  I might even ask someone why they thought that was a good word for it, after I'd run a sufficiently safe distance from said coil of snakes.  But I think it's more a transgression against poetry than it is against science.  I don't need to know or have ever heard anyone refer to rattlesnakes as a rhumba to know that they are referring to a plurality of snakes I don't want to be near.  That's the thing about terms of venery, they mostly denote collective nouns rather than a single rattlesnake.  And I don't have to know or agree with the term to understand what is being conveyed. 

"Caw!" by molajen is licensed under CC BY 2.0 

All of this aside, I clearly disagree with Mr. Lund, but he may do as he likes.  He is entitled to his opinions of the proper way to use English terms, however much I disagree with them. However, he continues with his article and he takes it one step too far for me. 

At the end of his article he is clearly worked up about the sort of people who try to rot our collective scientific integrity with such linguistic candy. He says that the next time someone tells him a term of venery he will respond with: 

“Did you know anyone who believes that is part of a ‘gaggle of gullibles’?" 

Telling people they are gullible for using a term you don't like is technically neither true nor nice. Mr. Lund could say they are foolish, or perhaps sentimental, but he doesn't appear to have the aptitude for understanding how to use words that he deems too whimsical. Or, for that matter, patience for anyone who is not on his wavelength of morally upstanding scientific integrity.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means perfect.  I have my particular veiwpoints that I defend with more vehemence than necessary.  I will own that there are words I simply hate.  I am fairly certain, however, that I have never told anyone they are gullible for using a real word that I hate.  I just cringe a little and try to move on.  

People who use words and phrases you don't like are not gullible.  They would only be gullible, Mr. Lund, if they believed you when and if you responded to them with made up terms of venery, as you did at the start of your article, specifically to mock them. I'm afraid, however, that to deliberately mislead them and mock them for things that are not false, simply not to your liking, would cost you your moral high ground, your scientific integrity, and lastly, Sir, I'm afraid, that if you do that intentionally, you're just being an ass. A solitary one.

A rather solitary, moody-looking fellow.  I think he is pontificating on some point dear to his heart. - "Gangsta Crow" by www.charlesthompsonphotography.com is licensed under CC BY 2.0