And now... for Bartonella Symptoms

So, I'm really confident that I actually have Babesia, and I'm pretty sure I also have Bartonella.  For a fun look at Bartonella, I'm going to list out the symptoms as presented in the article, "TOUCHED BY LYME: A close look at six Lyme-related infections."

So, here we go:

Many people have Bartonella or Bartonella-like (BLO) infections in their bodies. They are perhaps the most abundant infections in people because many veterinarians say that 80 percent of all house cats and nearly 100 percent of all hunting cats carry Bartonella microbes. Fleas bite cats and infect them with the Bartonella-like organisms, which are then transmitted to humans when they get bitten by the flea. Bartonella and BLO infections are therefore probably the most common of the vector-borne Lyme disease co-infections.

People who have active Bartonella symptoms have much more pain than people who are manifesting predominantly Babesia-related symptoms. The first thing out of their mouths is usually, “You have to help me with my pain.” They have pain in their joints and the connective tissue around their joints. This joint pain will migrate to other areas of the body. So for instance, patients with active Bartonella might have knee pain, but just when they are about to go to the doctor for the pain, the pain will migrate to the left elbow. The hallmark symptom of Bartonella is sensitivity and tenderness on the bottom of the feet, especially the soles.

I have pain mainly in my hands.  Once or twice I've had pain in my toes, a few times I've had pain in my knees.  But I almost always have pain somewhere in my hands.  Most days it's in the right hand, sometimes the left, sometimes both.  The affected fingers and joints rotate.  Migratory joint pain is not typical of arthritis.  But it's very possible that it's symptomatic of Bartonella.

Generalized pain in the body, or pain that is sharp and severe, is often related to Bartonella. Bartonella can also cause headaches and ice pick-like pain. Both Babesia and Bartonella cause headaches, but Bartonella headaches are worse. A Babesia headache produces more weird sensations in the head and pressure in the head. People with active Babesia infections will say, “I don’t know if I’d really call what I have a headache. It’s more like a pressure in the head.” Babesia can cause migraines as can Bartonella, but Babesia migraines are generally less severe.  Bartonella prefers the occipital areas of the head; the back of the head and neck are generally painful. So pain is a dominant characteristic of Bartonella.

I have pain in my neck and shoulders.  Constant, irritating, muscle pain.  Some days it's really bad, some days it's just an irritation.  But constant muscle-soreness is a problem I've dealt with for the last two years.  And no, I'm not doing anything to account for it.  I'm not sleeping weird on my pillows, or lifting tons of weights.  If I do any activity that causes slight muscle-soreness, I have disproportionately bad muscle pain.  

I defintely had intense headaches last year when I hadn't started antibiotics yet.  I currently have more of the weird pressure and "almost headaches" that sound like they are more related to Babesia than Bartonella.  But I have a lot of pain in my neck, shoulders and also my hands that I think are very likely from a Bartonella infection.  

All of these slow-growing intracellular infections affect the brain but create different symptom patterns, according to which infection is dominant or most active. I see more depression in people with active Babesia but less variability of mood, whereas people with active Bartonella may be irritable and anxious but then “flip over” into depression. Many people with Bartonella infections are misdiagnosed as having bi-polar disorder due to their fluctuating moods; they can easily go from being angry and irritable to being depressed.

I honestly don't know if my memory trouble is more Babesia or Bartonella dominant.  I'm defintely more depressed than angry.  But in the description of Babesia, the symptoms of a dominant Babesia infection included anxiety and FEAR.  I have definitely struggled with anxiety and fear this year.  But also depressino.  So, I'll leave it up to wiser persons than myself to determine of my brain fog and moodiness is related more to Babesia or to Bartonella. 

Bartonella-like organisms can also stay on the surface of the organs and tissues and cause a wide array of symptoms. One such symptom is gastritis. In fact, most cases of gastritis that aren’t caused by Helicobacter pylori infections are often caused by Bartonella, which is the second-most common cause of this condition. It can irritate the stomach so that people lose their appetite and/or get heartburn.

Well, I've definitely had trouble with symptoms that sound like gastritis.  Of course, it could be the effect of months of antibiotics in my system that is causing so much trouble.  It could also be that all my symptoms of gastritis are caused by Bartonella.  I have had a lot of trouble with loss of appetite, heartburn and nausea.  Although the nausea started before the antibiotics, so, there's a good chance it's from the infection and is in fact a symptom of Bartonella.  

Bartonella can cause a low-level, relapsing sore throat. People with active infections will periodically awaken with sore throats and wonder if they are coming down with a cold, but then the sore throat will go away.

I have been waking up with the tiniest hint of a sore throat.  This is obviously not a very good time to be wondering if you are coming down with something.  I have wondered more than once, if I've caught covid-19.  It's a little bit stressful.  To say the least.  

Bartonella irritates the bladder and can cause frequent urination, interstitial cystitis, or other chronic inflammatory conditions of the urinary system.

I don't have other problems with this, but I do have pelvic pain that occurs randomly and it's completely unconnected to my period.  So that's fun.

Bartonella can also cause fevers, but for patients to be able to run a fever, they need to have a relatively functional immune system, so not everyone who has a Bartonella infection will get a fever. Yet people will often feel hot, as if they have a fever, but their body temperature may be low normal.

I did have a very low grade fever for approximately an hour.  (During covid this is not a fun thing to experience even briefly).  I do frequently feel as though I'm hot but I do not usually have a fever.  It feels like I'm constantly gaslighting myself. 

Bartonella can affect the eyes and cause conjunctivitis, or inflammation of the outermost layer of the eye, which results in irritated, dry red eyes, as well as other eye problems.

Bartonella cause more skin-related problems than the other infections. Red bands or stretch marks on the skin called striae are common, as are acne and other skin problems.

I don't really have trouble with my eyes.  I have been having trouble with acne.  I have also been having little red stretch marks appearing.  They aren't large or particularly frequent, but they are showing up.  

Bartonella lives in the liver and spleen where it inflames these organs and compromises their functioning. When the liver and spleen are inflamed, the filtering capacity of the blood is affected, resulting in thick blood. People with Bartonella may have slightly elevated liver enzymes on lab tests. For instance, the alanine aminotransferase (ALT) test score may be just outside of the normal range and high only intermittently. The inflammation that Bartonella causes in the liver and spleen can compromise the body’s detoxification system in a major way, though. When the spleen is compromised, the lymph glands may also become swollen, which then causes the lymph flow to become thick, sludgy and slow.

I have had lots of swollen lymph nodes throughout the last two years.  I've had the swollen lymph nodes noted by the doctor who didn't believe in the possibility of co-infections or post-treatment Lyme.  He kept asking me if I had a cold or whatnot.  

I'm less confident about this one.  But I would be completely unsurprised if I have both Babesia and Bartonella.  

For more on co-infections, here's the informative article called TOUCHED BY LYME: A close look at six Lyme-related infections, that I drew the symptoms from.  I highly suggest reading it if you have Lyme Disease or suspect you have Lyme Disease. 

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

So, I have Lyme Disease

How to Find the Right Doctor for Lyme Disease

How can you be Certain you have LYME DISEASE?

Lyme Disease a List of Symptoms

Lyme Disease the Great Masquerader of Diseases

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

Memory Struggles with Lyme

I Feel Like I'm Playing Lyme Roulette

Do I have Lyme Disease or West Nile Virus? or a Co-infection?

We have a Winner, it's Co-infections!

It's like I walked into a disease wholesale store and couldn't decide what to come down with... so I looked at the cahsier and said, aw, what the hell, I'll have one of each.  

Test results last week:

West Nile, positive.

"But I don't believe that you have it," said the doctor.  "And if you did all you could do is wait to get better and rest a lot.  So we will run the test for co-infections"

Me: "Ok cool."

One week later...

Babesia positive FISH test.

Doctor:  "But we don't know that you have it because you don't get cold sweats at night," (I do have almost all the other symptoms currently)

"Let's do another test for West Nile Virus just to make sure..." says the doctor

Sure, why not?  I mean, we didn't trust the first test.  Let's just run another one we won't trust. 

How many tests do you need to run before you finally trust one of them?  We all know that testing for Lyme and co-infections is impossible and notoriously inaccurate.  So, at what point are you going to just treat me for the symptoms that I have instead of faffing about with more tests?

I'm extremely symptomatic for Babesia.  And it's really likely that I have Bartonella too.  I even have a positive for Babesia.  So, I'm not really sure what we're waiting for.  How many tests do you need to be convinved?  And why didn't we start with the convincing test?  Not run four others we don't trust.  

It's all so frustrating. 

So, the current theory is that I have Babesia and Bartonella, common co-infections with Lyme.  The reason that the antibiotics (doxycycline) helped but didn't make them go away was because Babesia and Bartonella are treated with different antibiotics, stronger ones, and Babesia also needs to be paired with an anti-parasitic.  So, that could explain why doxycycline helps with the symptoms when I'm on it, but doesn't make them go away.

But don't worry, I'm going to run another test for Babesia and a different test for Bartonella.  And just for kicks I'm going to run another test for West Nile Virus.  So, let's see what results we get this time. But it's looking like I'm going to be on the hunt for a new doctor very soon.  If anyone knows of a doctor in the San Diego area who knows how to treat Babesia, or other Lyme co-infections, I'm all ears.

Fun stuff over here!

For more on co-infections, there's an informative article called TOUCHED BY LYME: A close look at six Lyme-related infections. 

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

So, I have Lyme Disease

How to Find the Right Doctor for Lyme Disease

How can you be Certain you have LYME DISEASE?

Lyme Disease a List of Symptoms

Lyme Disease the Great Masquerader of Diseases

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

Memory Struggles with Lyme

I Feel Like I'm Playing Lyme Roulette

Do I have Lyme Disease or West Nile Virus? or a Co-infection?

Lyme with a side of Babesia

Sunset at La Jolla Shores tonight was lovely

Tonight as the rest of the world worried about and anxiously awaited the results of the US Presidential election, I was anxious about other results.  I got back my test results today.

Today I received a positive test result on a Babesia FISH test.  This doesn't surprise me in the least because I've looked at symptoms of Babesia and I was already fairly certain I had it.  

I'm hoping, that when I finally get to speak with the doctor on Thursday, I can finally start treating something that has been making me miserable for nearly two years now.  There is a small fear that this result won't be "trusted" either and I'm going to have to either keep searching for doctors or keep running more tests that aren't trusted.  If I may be so bold as to suggest that we all hope the doctors start listening and trusting us when we say what our symptoms are and that they find us all effective treatments for all that ails us.  Having Lyme disease and its associated co-infections is no laughing matter.  (Don't get me wrong, I laugh, but some days it's either that or cry, you know?  I'm hoping for a new diagnosis and treatment course that starts to make me feel better.  

I'm so tired of feeling so miserable.

If anyone happens to be reading this, I could probably use all the prayers and good thoughts sent my way.  

So I took myself to the beach tonight to be out in the breeze and hear the waves endlessly crashing.  I wanted to remember that even the two years I've been fighting all this, is a short amount of time.  At least two years is a short amount of time when you consider the gradual work of the waves eroding the cliffs and the shells crumbling into sand.  Lyme disease is a terribly miserable thing to deal with (co-infections included in this) but I need to remember that it will pass and that the time will soon be distant when I lived this chapter.  I need to focus on the long term and remember that everything will be ok in the end.  I can weather a few more years if I have to.  I need to stand firm like the waves, chipping away at the cliffs until I crumble them and am healthy once more.  I need to harness the strength of wind, blowing gently at times, changing directions, following what I must, but always eroding the cliffs one gust at a time.  Of course, I'd like to bring the whole Lyme cliff down in one terrible storm.  And yet, even if I don't, I'll make it out the other side.  

For more on co-infections, there's an informative article called TOUCHED BY LYME: A close look at six Lyme-related infections. 

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

So, I have Lyme Disease

How to Find the Right Doctor for Lyme Disease

How can you be Certain you have LYME DISEASE?

Lyme Disease a List of Symptoms

Lyme Disease the Great Masquerader of Diseases

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

Memory Struggles with Lyme

I Feel Like I'm Playing Lyme Roulette

Do I have Lyme Disease or West Nile Virus? or a Co-infection?

Do I have Lyme Disease or West Nile Virus? or a Co-infection?

The Lyme Saga continues...

Today I got test results back that had some very inconclusive and confusing results.  

I took tests to look for the antibodies of Lyme's main culprit, Borrelia burgdorferi, and also a few other things that may have explained all my symptoms.

My tests indicate:

No antibodies for Borrelia burgdorferi

No antibodies for any co-infections of Lyme (Bartonella and Babesia)

No Mycoplasma

Positive for West Nile Virus

The funny thing is that because these tests are so infamously wrong so often, my doctor doesn't believe them to be true.  I must say I agree with him in this case.  He says it's unlikely that West Nile Virus is the cause of my chronic Lyme symptoms because, while it shares many symptoms with chronic Lyme, it is not a chronic problem.  Usually, someone with West Nile has acute and severe symptoms, not chronic ones like mine.  On the off chance I do have West Nile Virus, the way to recover is to sleep a lot, drink a lot of liquids, generally boost the immune system (possibly take anti-viral supplements), and wait for your body to neutralize the virus.  

As far as the tests on Borrelia and Bartonella/Babesia, we don't trust those either.  Testing for antibodies is notoriously inconclusive.  You can get false positives and false negatives.  So, we are going to run tests for the organisms themselves and see what comes back.  

As of right now, I believe that I may have defeated the Borrelia, but I am still fighting off a co-infection that simply didn't show up on this set of tests.  

For more on co-infections, there's an informative article called TOUCHED BY LYME: A close look at six Lyme-related infections. 

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

So, I have Lyme Disease

How to Find the Right Doctor for Lyme Disease

How can you be Certain you have LYME DISEASE?

Lyme Disease a List of Symptoms

Lyme Disease the Great Masquerader of Diseases

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

Memory Struggles with Lyme

I Feel Like I'm Playing Lyme Roulette

Lyme with a side of Babesia

Let's Put Lyme Disease in Perspective with Covid-19

Lyme Disease is Under Reported, Under Treated and Under Funded.

It is widely believed that Lyme disease is under reported.  The CDC estimates there are 300,000 new Lyme cases every year, ten times the annual reported cases.  An article by the Bay Area Lyme Foundation sates that 2019 saw 400,000 new cases.  

This doesn't include all the misdiagnosed and undiagnosed cases every year.  And considering that 

Lyme Disease is actually present in all 50 US States, but 96% of the cases reported to the CDC are from only 13 states from the Northeast and Upper Midwest. 

An article titled Misdiagnosis of Lyme disease problematic has a number of interesting statistics: 

"Of 6,104 patients who responded to a 2015 survey, 61% said it took more than two years to receive a correct diagnosis. Only 21% reported being correctly diagnosed within six months of the onset of symptoms, the report showed. Almost half of respondents said their Lyme tests were delayed or denied because their physicians said the disease was not in their area."

If many doctors don't even test for Lyme disease because they don't believe it's present in their area, and misdiagnosis can lead more than half of those with Lyme disease on a wild goose chase, it's not a stretch to think that many more people have Lyme than even the 400,000 known cases every year.   

Eugene Shapiro, MD said in an article about Lyme's incidence rate that "Another striking number is that there were 3.4 million assays done for Lyme disease at six major national laboratories, clearly an underestimate of the number of tests done nationwide."

3.4 million tests done for Lyme at only six of our major laboratories.  How many tests are run throughout all our laboratories every year?  Now, he claims that Lyme disease is being over tested for.  But considering how poor the tests are and how long people wait to get a proper diagnosis, perhaps it's not being over tested.  And knowing how notoriously inconclusive Lyme Disease tests are, how many cases are there really?  

My suspicion is that the numbers are staggeringly larger than we even realize.  For instance, according to Bay Area Lyme our current diagnostic plans miss up to 60% of acute cases.  Just think how many cases we are missing in the end.

Now I promised you Covid-19 comparison and you shall have it.  

As of today, October 7th, the US has 7.7 million reported cases of Covid-19 and 215,849 thousand deaths.  I'm not in any way trying to say that this isn't horrible, but I'm trying to highlight the numbers for you.  In an article by John Hopkins it said that "researchers found that more than 63 percent of those treated for Lyme disease had at least one PTLDS-related diagnosis."  More than half of the people with Lyme show evidence of having Post Treatment Lyme Disease.  So if we have 400,000 new Lyme cases every year that's roughly 200,000 people every year who get Lyme and aren't getting better.  

Imagine if all the Covid-19 deaths we have seen this year were sudden and chronic illnesses instead.  We've all been following the devastating numbers of Covid-19 this year, but Lyme is never talked about.  People who suffer from Lyme struggle to even get a diagnosis or recognition that they are suffering.  

Like Covid-19, Lyme is not very well understood.  We don't have a great understanding of how it works, how to cure it.  If roughly half of the people who come down with Lyme end up with Chronic Lyme, we clearly aren't doing a good enough job treating it.  

Phyllis Mervine, the Founder and President of LymeDisease.org had this to say about Lyme "Like COVID-19 patients, people with Lyme need treatments now. Clinical trials are expensive and take too long, and our last one was 20 years ago. Also, Lyme disease research receives less federal funding than leprosy, which has 200 cases per year."

Covid-19 has shaken us and demanded prompt action which is completely warranted for the 215.8k deaths already, but Lyme disease gets no press, no funding and no support with roughly the same number of people, 200,000 people, becoming chronically ill every year.  Leprosy gets more funding for 200 cases a year than a disease that causes roughly 200,000 people every year to deal with chronic illness.  That's just absurd.  

In an article about post-treatment Lyme "Prevalence in 2020 is predicted to be higher than 2016, and may be as high as 1,944,189 (CI 1,619,988 to 2,304,147) cases."  This is a cumulative number of cases, but it's still a staggering number.  Nearly 2 million people in the US may have Chronic Lyme and not many doctors even believe it exists, let alone know how to treat it.

I think it's time that we start recognizing the incredible numbers and cost of Lyme Disease.  We can't let "medical politics" keep ignoring Lyme Disease and pretending that Chronic Lyme isn't a thing.  We must keep fighting for awareness and recognition and our health.

Reference materials:

https://www.lymedisease.org/mervine-comments-tbdwg-2/

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/lyme-disease-is-ten-times-more-common-than-we-thought-1895064/#:~:text=Each%20year%2C%20more%20than%2030%2C000,than%20the%20yearly%20reported%20number.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/lyme-disease-10-times-more-common-than-thought-201308206621

https://www.bayarealyme.org/about-lyme/lyme-disease-facts-statistics/

https://www.nurse.com/blog/2015/07/01/misdiagnosis-of-lyme-disease-problematic/

https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/us/

https://covid.cdc.gov/covid-data-tracker/#cases_casesinlast7days

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6480773/

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/newsroom/news-releases/study-shows-evidence-of-severe-and-lingering-symptoms-in-some-after-treatment-for-lyme-disease

https://www.jhsph.edu/news/news-releases/2015/lyme-disease-costs-more-than-one-billion-dollars-per-year-to-treat-study-finds.html

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

So, I have Lyme Disease

How to Find the Right Doctor for Lyme Disease

How can you be Certain you have LYME DISEASE?

Lyme Disease a List of Symptoms

Lyme Disease the Great Masquerader of Diseases

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

Memory Struggles with Lyme

I Feel Like I'm Playing Lyme Roulette

Memory Struggles with Lyme

One of the difficult things for me with Lyme Disease is the way it has been affecting my memory.  It comes and goes so I can't say I always forget things or rely on what capabilities I will have.

On and off I can't think of the word to say for a thing.  Sometimes I can see the word in my head, like I'm reading it in my mind, but I can't physically say it.  

I forget what I'm going to say mid way through a sentence.  I forget what I was trying to write down by the time the paper and pen are ready to write it.  

Then I'll be fine and remember everything for a few weeks.  Then I seem to lose all ability to use language in a normal manner.  I get frustratedly tongue-tied.  I use hand gestures and get nothing productive to come out of my mouth.

A week or two ago I forgot how to tie a bow.  Three days later I suddenly had my brain recall the information and I felt so stupid.  

Yesterday I tried to braid my hair and I couldn't.  I couldn't keep track of where my fingers were and I couldn't remember what to do next with them.  

I sat on the living room floor and cried.  I've been able to braid my hair since elementary school.  And now at 33 I can't do it anymore because of the way that Lyme Disease impacts my memory.  

Sometimes it honestly scares me.  I'm not sure I can tell you for a certainty what I'm capable of anymore.  It could all come and go as randomly and quickly as my symptoms. 

Have you ever dealt with something like this?

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

How to Find the Right Doctor for Lyme Disease 

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

So, I have Lyme Disease

Lyme Disease a List of Symptoms

I Feel like I'm Playing Lyme Roulette

For me, one of the biggest problems with trying to treat or just deal with Lyme Disease on a daily basis, is knowing what is actually being caused by Lyme disease.

I get headaches, and I get muscle stiffness.  But is that because I'm dehydrated, or is it a symptom of Lyme.  The symptoms of Lyme can be cyclical, which means they can come and go.  It's a bit of a nightmare really.  So, if the doctor asks if I am still having headaches, and I haven't had a horrible one in a few days, am I done?  Or is it just going to come back again?  Who knows?!

So, it's hard to know if your headache or your muscle soreness, or your fatigue, or your anxiety is related to Lyme or not.  Should I take an aspirin for this headache or is it pointless?  Should I take bath in Epsom salts for my muscles?  Or is it pointless?  

I think the reality for me is that the majority of my present, passing and cyclical afflictions are Lyme related or caused.  With only one being something else.  It's like playing Russian roulette with symptoms.  One of these might be something you should pay attention to.  Do you want to pull the trigger and find out?  Or do you call it all Lyme and miss something else going on .

Essentially Lyme Disease is a joy.  It feels like high stakes gambling with your health.   

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

How to Find the Right Doctor for Lyme Disease 

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

So, I have Lyme Disease

Lyme Disease a List of Symptoms

Lyme Disease the Great Masquerader of Diseases

Recreating Paintings in Quarantine

During the lockdown in southern California I have been keeping busy.  I'm doing some freelance writing, I'm reading, I'm cleaning and I'm doing art.

I'm doing all kinds of art.

I have begun painting, making dollhouse miniatures and most recently I've started recreating paintings with things from around the house.  This whole thing was started by The Getty Museum Challenge and you can find other fine recreations under the hashtags #gettymuseumchallenge and #betweenartandquarantine

For the first one depicted below I've recreated Tissot's painting, The Widower.

My Recreation and Tissot's The Widower

And that was so much fun that I decided I need to recreate a few more paintings.


So here is my recreation of Henry Fuseli's The Nightmare.

The Nightmare by Henry Fuseli and a recreation with Jojo the cat.

The Nightmare by Henry Fuseli












My recreation of The Nightmare - featuring my cat AKA Jojen aka JoJo

I didn't want my dogs to feel left out by all the fun that Cat and I were having so the next few recreations involve them.

This is Charles van den Eycken's painting titled "Willpower" 1891

My poor fools were so confused about what they could and couldn't eat after this they almost were reluctant to take the treats when I gave them to my boys by hand.

Next is the recreation of Briton Rivière's painting Requiescat from 1888.

Shadow snuffled my hand for treats the entire time we tried to do this photo.  Not smiling was almost harder than keeping his attention when he thought treats were a hopeless endeavor and tried to give up.

Next is a recreation of Compulsory Education, also painted by Briton Rivière.

Do not let Rocky's mournful eyes deceive you.  He was so excited by the treats that came out of this photoshoot that he happily traipsed over for more than one take.  

The next painting is untitled but commonly referred to as Knight Resting with Dog by Nicaise De Keyser

The amazing armour dress and leggings I'm wearing are from Lorica Clothing, the Sackville skater dress and the Sackville leggings. All of their products are amazing, if you have need of comfy armour dresses or leggings I advise you look for them at Lorica Clothing.

The next is a painting by Thomas Weaver and is titled The Dunearn Ox c.1812-1815

No, really though, why are so many portraits of cows so rectangular?  If you're interested in this particular phenomenon you may want to check out this article on rectangular cows in UK art. 

I thought my rabbit had a nice scale next to my "cow".  Doesn't Shadow make a fine cow? I thought so anyway.  So, I decided to take advantage of his lovely cowhide (tshirt situation) and take another pastoral photograph with Rocky too.

This one, Animals Resting in the Pasture is a painting by Paulus Potter

Aren't my cows fine? Don't I make an enviable farmer? I'm marriageable at the very least, if I'm not the envy of the county with such fine cows as these.  It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in possession of a fine herd of dogs, I mean cows, must be in want of a husband.  Or perhaps just an occupation.

Ok, so technically this next one is a woodcut not a painting.  But I think it still counts, it's very much a recreation.  

This is a woodcut by Hans Holbein the Younger called either the Chandler or The Peddler for the Dance of Death series c.1526.

and here is my recreation of it...

My Phlebotomist and My Living Metaphor Morning

This morning I woke up and everything was as though I was living in a metaphor come to life.

How to begin?  Let's see, I've been having a bunch of tests run.  So, this latest one involved a mobile blood draw person who came to my house.  Modern technology being what it is, my personal, mobile phlebotomist showed up this morning and promptly got lost.  He called me from nearby, unsure of how to find me.  In his defense many people get lost on the way to my house.  They see the dirt driveway and assume it can't be mine and call from the road confused.

So I woke up and got a phone call that went something like this.
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is your phlebotomist"
"Hi"
"I'm trying to find you.  Are you at the construction?"
"Ah, no, I'm one driveway further up the hill.  I'm the dirt driveway right before the giant rock and the gate is open for you."

I then went out to meet him, but let me digress for a moment.  How hilarious is this idea?  Can you imagine if I was working a construction job and I called my personal mobile phlebotomist to come out to the construction site?  Because I'm now imagining that I'm a massive lumberjack looking man, wearing jeans and a flannel shirt, wearing a hardhat and having my blood drawn in one arm while I jackhammer one handed with the other.  Or smoke constantly with the cigarette between my teeth while I bend rebar with one hand and my phlebotomist ties a little elastic cord around my other beefy arm.  I think it's a hilarious mental image.

I can just imagine these guys having their blood drawn while working, can't you? - "F-327-CVFriant Dam Construction" by Bureau of Reclamation is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 

Ok, now back to what actually happened this morning.

So he sets up and it seems that phlebotomists, not unlike dentists, tend to fill the silence with a bit of chatter.  The distinct upside being that you can actually talk and reply in this scenario.  He asked about my job, I said I was working in a museum.  He asked what I do.  I said I was a glorified secretary but I was staying in the history field since I was a history major.  And he began talking about how much he loves his job and how much that makes a difference.  Do what you love he says, and it won't matter how little the money is.  And then I look at my arm, in this living metaphor, feeling very much like he's implying that NOT doing what you love is to have the life literally drained out of you.

And then he started talking about how you just have to be open to opportunities.  That sometimes things are just first steps and you never know what will come from it.  That it's important for me to work in a museum and be open to the possibilities that can flow from there.  Again I look at my arm as he continues to fill vials.  Once a door is open, things flow through.  Maybe it was just the blood loss, but it all felt very surreal and dream-like.

"Don't quit your day dream" by Lindsay_Silveira is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0 

Then we were all done.  He pet my dogs and said you could tell they were happy.  He said when he was little he wanted to be a dog and his dad told him, "you don't want to be a dog, you want to live life like a dog".  And with that last bit of wisdom, my phlebotomist departed.

So, there I was contemplating my mobile phlebotomist wisdom of the day.  Such a nice man.  And I ate breakfast and felt tired and I decided, no offense to my phlebotomist, who was amazing, that the world is full of bloodsuckers (metaphorical you know) and with that I went back to bed for an hour before work.

Why aren't Mouse Cages More Interesting?

My Uncle has just started a business raising fancy mice as pets.  He breeds them to be docile and in all sorts of colors and varieties.  And so I was contemplating his selection of mice and remembering the hamsters we used to keep in childhood.  This started me down a whole weird path about what I did and didn't like about keeping hamsters as a kid.

It occurred to me that I don't actually mind mice or hamsters, but I really mind their cages.  Our hamster cage was a gaudy pile of interconnected and strangely shaped plastics in a variety of uncomplimentary colours.  So, it occurred to me that what I don't like is how very bold and ugly the cages are while at the same time remaining in largely boring shapes.  As an historian I've bemoaned the fact that we no longer make beautiful Victorian bird cages, but I've never heard of fancy looking cages for pet mice.  Well, I've never heard of or seen fancy cages for any animal these days.

And why is that?  They are made of plastic.  You could just as quickly mold them into any shape you wanted, complicated shapes being just as fast as boring shapes in the modern world of molds and factory production.  So, why don't we make them more interesting looking?  It's not like you can shove a giant cage away in an attic and not look at it.  So, why are we content with them looking the way they do?

I suppose all of this comes back to my longing for the world to be more beautiful, more interesting and more strange than it currently is.  I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way about large cages.  Even for fish tanks there are little columns and shipwreck things you can put at the bottom to make it look more interesting and piratey.  Why can't we do the same for mice?

I want my world to be filled with beautiful architectural shapes.  If I were designing a mouse cage I'd make it into a Greek temple, or a Moorish Palace.  I remember that cleaning out corners was particularly unpleasant, maybe I'd make a Roman Colosseum for my mice to live in.  Then I could name them all suitably impressive names and watch them manically run around in their wheels and pretend they were training for the gladiatorial Games.

Maximus would train ceaselessly while Claudius napped after a hard fight in the arena.  Arena just means sand in Latin by the way, not that sand is in any way recommended for mouse cages.  I simply got excited about the Latin.  Truly though, how can you get a fancy pet mouse and stick him in a boring square cage?  I think it would be much more fun to name your rex pet mouse Maximus and house him in something you don't hate looking at.  If I couldn't find a cool mouse cage I'd probably build him a Colosseum.  But then, I'm mad.  We all know this.

Anyway, if you happen to be looking for fancy pet mice and live anywhere near Rhode Island you should look no further.  And if you happen to find a cage that's actually interesting looking, do let me know.

The Ghost of Valentine's Past

Every year the populace at large seems to gear up with excessive cheer for the holiday of Valentine's Day.  Hearts spring up everywhere.  Paper ones festoon the ceilings and windows of shops and homes.  Holiday cheer is found on every corner.  Pink blossoms in the most unlikely places and everyone bustles around talking of love and making dinner reservations for their loved ones.

And I, well, I am the Valentine Scrooge.  I mutter "bah humbug" at the sudden red tide sweeping through clothing departments.  I curse "rubbish" under my breath at the hearts on everything from cups, to teddy bears.  Cards of every variety are covered in red, pink and glittery horror declaring love, lust and a few other sentiments deemed appropriate for the holiday.  NO store or place is safe.  Red and pink flowers can be found at the garden nursery entrance.  Romance novels accost you at the entrance of the bookstore.  But worst of all is Home Depot.  HOME DEPOT!  Even the bastion of practical, get things done, down to earth type of active sensibilities is not safe from the dreaded holiday.

So, after grumbling my way past all of this blush coloured fervor I made it home.  And then as I fell asleep exhausted from the overwhelming assault of pink and red on my senses I wondered if maybe I was too harsh on the holiday.  Is Valentine's Day really so bad?  Maybe I'm just as bitter as they say.

The clock strikes midnight and I find myself unaccountably awakened by a presence.  Somehow I know it is St. Valentine.  It is probably the birds and roses that surround him that gave him away.

"St. Valentine," I begin "Am I hopelessly bitter like they all say?  And why do you have a rooster with you?"  I'm eminently practical even in my dreams you see.

"Ah, well, that's just one of my attributes." He says helpfully.  "But I've come to warn you about this holiday of mine."

"But why are you trying to help me?  Aren't you supposed to be busy taking care of couples in love?  You do know I'm single right?"

"I am the patron Saint of affianced couples, true.  But I am also the patron Saint of beekeepers, fainting, greetings, travellers, and plague.  You don't happen to keep bees, do you?"

"Um, no, I don't have any bees.  Wait, did you say plague?"

"I am here to warn you that you will be visited by the Ghost of Valentine's Past and to urge you to listen to his warnings."

"Hold on, is this a Christmas Carol joke?  I don't want to appear ungrateful but I think you might be a bit early, you know, have the wrong holiday or some such thing."

"Listen to the warnings of the Ghost of Valentine's Past,"  He says eerily while he fades out of sight.
"Right that was odd," I say aloud to remind myself.  I am sane and dreaming.  I breathe deeply to calm my nerves, friendly or no, seeing apparitions is an unsettling business.  I notice the hint of rose fragrance growing stronger again and see St. Valentine beginning to reappear.

"Oh dear," he says confusedly "I always forget that part.  I am the Ghost of Valentine's Past.  How awkward.  Terribly sorry about all that fading in and out business.  Let's start, shall we?"

Without waiting for my brain to even process the whole turn of events St. Valentine grabs my hand and we fall upward it would seem into a mist that feels familiar and heavy and very far away all at once.  I'm a reader and I have realized that we are going to view my past Valentine's Days.  My only guess is as to the lesson that will follow.

We stop outside my old home in Phoenix where I am making Valentine cards with my mother and brother.  Happy hours spent in the company of people I love dearly, laughing and creating beauty out of little bits of this and that.  Eating chocolate that my father brought me and admiring the flowers he brought for mother I have an overwhelming sense of peace watching this scene from my memories.

St. Valentine sighs. "That is what it is all about.  Love."

Then we are flying through the fog again and we reach another time.  This time I am in a dark paneled room studying quietly for exams.  A few college friends bound in and find me caught up in my studies.  I cringe in anticipation of what is coming.  I had forgotten it was Valentine's Day and I was about to be mocked for wearing black.

"This is the first time they mocked you for being bitter about love," says St. Valentine.  "Ironically, this is not loving and may be the start of your real bitterness."

"I had just forgotten what day it was." I try to explain but the fog is closing in as the laughter fades away.

Then we whiz forward to a time I'd rather never visit again.  Except, I knew it was coming.  It starts well enough as St. Valentine and I stand in the balcony at the opera house where a friend and I are watching Madame Butterfly, both of us dressed up and having a fantastic time.  However, St. Valentine and I already know where this evening ends.  I smile ruefully with the knowledge of things to come.  Back at home, my drunk housemate arrives.  He tries to corner me in the stairs and I shudder in memory as I watch myself get away and flee up the stairs with a pounding heart.  The lock on the door did nothing to reassure me, then or now.  So many nervous moments and sleepless nights after that.

"I just had no idea they'd ever use my name to get drunk like this," says St. Valentine with as much horror as I felt.  "To think that my holiday is causing so much depression and drinking that it leads to THIS."  We both shudder and then move forward to the most recent Valentine's Day.

The fog is lightest of all here, for this is the current day.

"Aren't you supposed to let another ghost take over now?" I question mildly.

"Oh, well, there really aren't any others for this sort of thing.  And if you consider that this day really is over, well... I think as a past Valentine it can reasonably be said to fall within my purview."  He smiles clearly feeling triumphant.  "It is my holiday, after all."

So we watch the last portions of this Valentine's Day unfold.  Leaving the office rather late, I find a car too close to my car on the nearly deserted street.  As I walked closer I saw two men paying too much attention to my car for comfort.  They have gotten out of their vehicle and are shining flashlights on mine.  I recall, with visceral force, the fear that suddenly entered my body at this point.  St. Valentine and I watch as I pretend more calm than I feel and I pretend I was never heading for that car.  I subtly alter my course and I return at a sedate pace to the office where I watched through windows and waited for them to leave.  My imagination is still running rampant from this latest episode.

"What were they doing anyway?" I feel the need to know.  Hoping to find out that they were security guards concerned about my safety rather than two large men planning terrible things for me.

"Oh, that.  I'm not sure honestly.  I'm just supposed to show you the past Valentine's so you can learn from them."

"Ok, ok.  I understand what you are saying.  There is no denying I'm bitter about this holiday.  But, you've seen my reasons why.  I don't hate love.  I'm not bitter about my relationship status.  I just want to feel safe and be allowed to hate pink like I do every other day of the year.  What am I supposed to do to overcome this bitterness, Valentine?  Wear pink?  Make Valentine cards for everyone?"

"NO.  You've missed the point entirely.  Love is what is missing from all these recent Valentine's days.  Tell your parents you love them.  Hug your cat..."

"And love everybody right?  And I'll just stop being bitter about the past?"

"No.  You're not bitter about love.  It's just been lacking from these scenes.  Next year when Valentine's Day comes around I'm truly concerned about your safety.  Stay in.  Lock the door and only answer it from behind the dogs."

"Is that all?"  I ask bewildered by this sudden turn of events.

"OH, and above all," St. Valentine adds, "Next year... wear black.  And you're a mad hatter.  Do me proud and throw in a hat."

As he fades away for the final time I smile knowing that I'll sleep really well for the first time in days.  I might even dream of the demise of Barbie pink hues everywhere.

"Let me know if you ever need any help with bees," St. Valentine shouts from the distance of the ages.

"I will!" I shout back.

Tomorrow I'm going to get an early start and wear all black in honour of my little adventure.  And I'm going to do so while enjoying discounted Valentine's Day chocolates and smiling about my newfound guiltlessness at hating this holiday, not love.

Extremities and Extremism

I think people have underestimated their extremities.  I know, I know, that's an odd thought to have, but think about it.  Everything seems more extreme at your extremities.  Whenever I'm cold, my toes are always the coldest.  Double layers of gloves and socks barely keep up in a freezing NYC winter.  Conversely, on a sweltering, Alabama summer day, while the rest of my body struggles on with the heat, my toes get hot and claustrophobic in shoes.  They demand sandals so that they can breathe.

I know that not everyone shares my opinion on toe shoes, but toe socks and toe shoes are the absolute worst.  It's not just the fact that they create tiny prisons for your toes that bothers me.  No, what bothers me is that they are imprisoning your toes in tiny isolation cells.  They were born together; they've never been apart.  They aren't used to isolation.  Some people might even call it cruel and unusual punishment.  And one should not be cruel to one's toes.  They are sort of the foundation of a person, you know?

So, really, I think people are underestimating their extremities.  By this, I don't just mean that people are not looking out for their extremities when they cram them into high heels and pointy shoes that don't always fit.  I mean, that people don't appreciate how much extremities really feel.  Feeling extremes in heat and cold is just the beginning.

I believe that extremities and extremism go hand in hand.  Popular expressions would support this notion.  When you love a song the first thing that happens is toe tapping.  Your toes either appreciate the music more or first.  They start dancing before you do and then convince the rest of you to follow along.  When you fall for a stranger's charm it is called being "swept off your feet."

The ultimate expression of relaxation is putting one's feet up.  The opposite is also true.  When someone is tired the highest expression for exhaustion is "dead on your feet."  Because feet are the first to relax and the first to tire.

If you're extremely obstinate you "dig in your heels."  The opposite is also true here.  When someone is over eager you can tell them "cool your heels."  There are numerous expressions that express feelings by equating them with extremities.  If you worked hard all day you could say that you ache from "head to toe."  If you feel like you are in a changeable or fast-paced environment you might say that it "keeps you on your toes."  This evokes a feeling of change and surprise all at once.  Rarely would someone try to express this feeling by referring to a body part in the mid-section.

And that's all just feet.

Your fingers can be lazy "not lifting a finger" or take the brunt of all your hard work when you have "worked your fingers to the bone."  You can give people and things you approve of a thumbs up.  People who are clumsy are referred to as "being all thumbs."  And when you feel like you're being oppressed you could call it "being under someone's thumb."

Your heart may just be the center of your emotions but your extremities may experience them in the most extreme manner.  Seeing as I'm in a frivolous mood I'm just going to go out on a limb here (a limb being an extremity as well), and say that my emotions are magnified at my extremities. My fingers are extremely important and my toes are extremists.

What is my Car squeaking about?

"Chitty squeak, clackety screech" the dashboard in the car sings merrily as we drive about town. It sings like it's someone's Great Aunt Ethel, with a high-pitched voice that is both annoying and familiar; nattering away non-stop as you drive.  Maybe my car is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's stately relative Great Aunt Ethel.  You don't think cars have great aunts and sing?  Well, apparently you haven't met my car.

If my car really is a Great Aunt Ethel type, it is no doubt telling you to "be careful, and slow down, and watch out for that squirrel, and did you know that your cousin three times removed on your father's side had recently bought those horrid foot gloves that masquerade as shoes and I can't see how it's going to improve her appearance any, and don't you just love those red bougainvillea plants they planted in the median?"

Or maybe it's not Great Aunt Ethel after all.  Maybe the car is singing its own song about roads, stoplights and gas tanks and the smell of freshly paved asphalt roads in the morning.  Perhaps, the car is singing a song that goes "every day out of the junk yard is a good day!"

Maybe I'm driving a cheery realist around town.  He knows and accepts his fate with a dash of cheer, realism, and song.  Its squeaky rattling tune tells of its happiness to be living the life of an automobile to the fullest.  I have enough gas and enough working parts to keep driving, so driving I will go.  Three cheers for working motors!

Or maybe my car is plotting mutiny.  It plans to wait til we have set sail on a long journey of enormous importance and break down leaving us stranded in an inhospitable section of shark infested waters.  Maybe its little creaking symphony is the mutinous mumblings of a car that fancies itself abused and overworked that will crash on purpose at the earliest convenience with a raucous shout of "Drink up mechanics yo ho!" right before it careens full sail into a ditch with faulty brakes.  Just maybe.  Of course, I could just be imagining all of this because I have an advanced case of scurvy induced madness, anything is possible, right?

Whatever it is my car sings or mutters about, it certainly does so at a constant rate.  Sometimes the squeaking cacophony is almost soothing while others it's enough to drive you mad in a mere handful of blocks.  Maybe if I roll a window down a bit it will drown out Great Aunt Ethel's helpful nattering.  Or perhaps, I ought to join in with the song... "every day out of the junk yard is goooooooood day!"  Everyone can use a healthy dose of cheery realism once in awhile, right?

The Sordid History of Couplets

How one line got lonely and started a relationship with another line.  
   

Photo via Flickr - "Poems" by Pascal Maramis

The Couplet was once just a lonely sentence
Whose thought didn't quite seem ended.
He thought he'd date the following line
Who thought that he looked mighty fine.
But their relationship was quickly ended
the moment the bad poet penned it.
For a lonely couplet is only truly fine
When it's made to be paired in perfect rhyme
Not when it starts a love affair
Out of loneliness and lack of punctuation.

Beards being radical and radically maddening?

This ancient stone figure is looking pretty shady with his curly beard. - Photo via Flickr "Beard" by Quinn Dombrowski

Tajikistan shaves beards to stop radicalization...

Shaving beards to stop radicalization?  You can read the article here.  And you will probably come to the same conclusion that almost any rational person would.  "That's stupid" you'll say.  "Mad," says I.  And we'd be right you know.

This is the maddest thing you've ever heard of.  And it's not just because it's the sort of headline that you can imagine an insane person like myself coming up with.  It's not just that you suspect it will turn out to be a piece written by The Onion.  Oh no.  It's not even the fact that it's true that makes it the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard of.  (Though I don't know what you've heard of, so perhaps it is...)

But the real truth is that this is the maddest thing to happen in the modern world precisely because it's been done before.  You are laughing, I can tell.  You don't believe me.  But it's all perfectly true.  The strangest things in this world are the facts.  No great work of fiction can ever rival the madness of real life.  "But, seriously," you think to yourself.  "It can't have happened before."

"Ah," I say knowingly.... "but it did.... many years ago in Russia."

The beard revolts.  Peter the 1st decided that Russia needed to be westernized.  And one of the ways that he thought he should go about this was to dispense with all the beards in his country and ensure that he and his countrymen were all clean shaven.  So he instituted a beard tax and tried to get the populace at large to shave.  Just as the Tajikistan police have been shaving the beards of their male population.  Since, beards in Russia were not just a choice of facial hair, but an ingrained part of the culture, the beard shaving was not met with much favor.  And I'm sure it will not be met with much favor in Tajikistan either.

Now, the article states that Tajik culture is what they are trying to uphold with this, er, practice.  But what it fails to mention is that beard wearing is very much a part of Muslim culture, which constitutes a whopping 99% of their citizens.  So, say what you like about beards being cultural.  Even if you can convincingly argue that beards are not an ingrained part of Tajik culture I still can't see anyone being pleased to be forcibly shaved.  Hair, whether facial or otherwise is rather personal and being forced to shave is not just shocking it's insulting as well.  Having a beard does not make you radical.  However, as the article suggests, having your beard forcibly shaved might make you into a radical.

In Russia, the people weren't having any of the beard shaving.  They revolted.  The beard revolts were large, violent and well, very Russian.  But the point is, forcing someone to shave their beard never solved anything.  It didn't westernize the Russian peasant automatically and it won't de-radicalize anyone automatically either.  It will only incite anger and possibly violence.

And the maddest thing of all is not that it's happening, which I think you and I might both agree is mad, but that it's happened before.

There really is nothing new under the sun.

Sadly, for those of us historians unfortunate enough to be well read, we are doomed to watch history repeating itself.  Slowly unfolding with it's inevitable consequences right before our eyes while we shout and rage in impotent frustration.

Just call me Cassandra.

(In case you aren't up on your ancient history.... ironic considering the post, no?  Anyway, I'm referring to that prophetess of Greek mythology; doomed to know the future but cursed so that nobody would ever believe her.  Yes, you ancient Greeks, thanks a lot for that one.)

And if I've just left you depressed I will give you a peace offering.  I'll leave you with two different articles.  An article on beards that is going in the opposite direction.  Read it here and don't dwell too much on the madness of the world.  And if that isn't enough to raise your spirits I offer you The Onion's take on beards here.  Just to amuse you, or to make you pause and think about how differently beards can be viewed.  Radical?  Conversation tool?  Hipster?

Photo via Flickr "beard" by urban_data

On the Beauty of Showers

Sometimes a person just needs a shower.  Maybe you need a nice long shower because your family can get on your nerves but they can't follow you in the shower.  Or maybe it's because warm water just makes everything better.  Or maybe it's really just that you feel antsy because you really desperately need to feel clean.

Whatever, the reason, sometimes you just need a shower.  It refreshes you, cleans you and somehow freshens your mind and attitude.  Sometimes, after a long day of gardening, being slobbered on by dogs and arguing with your family you just need to hop in the shower and clean yourself off and start all over.

It's remarkable how many ailments can be cured by a shower.

• Headaches - cured
• That crawly feeling you get if you saw a spider too close to you but can't see it anymore - cured
• Dry eyes- cured
• The feeling of being encased in slime after a particularly slobbery dog kiss - cured
• Dry cough - cured (well at least temporarily) 
• The "my hands will never be the same again" because I've been gardening all day feeling - cured
• If you have a cold and your head is stuffed up - temporary cure
• The "ugh I'm disgusting I can't go anywhere" feeling induced by dirt and dirty hair - cured
• Exhaustion - cured (at least long enough to make and consume dinner before slowly melting into bed)
• "I just got a haircut" itchiness - cured
• Early morning "I hate the world because it's too early" syndrome - almost cured (and that's saying something)
• Exercising is the worst thing ever I'll never do it again feeling - cured (again impressive)
• The sand and salt from my beach trip is weighing me down feeling - cured
• Feeling too cold - cured
• Muscle soreness - cured
• The feeling of being encrusted with a sparkly skin disease a.k.a. glitter - cured
• The "I'm too old for this ****" feeling - cured

Ok, so they aren't really a list of ailments.  But look at how many feelings that masquerade as ailments can be cured by a simple shower.  Really, showers might be the best. 

Ok, lauding of showers complete.  I'm going to go take one and cure my malaise.  

Have I stepped into a Western Film?

Boardwalk, train tracks, Town Square complete with gazebo, this is clearly a Western town.

Hello?  Is anybody there?  No?  Fine, I'll just address these queries to the ether then, shall I?  I'm assuming by your silence that you are not in charge of the madness here.  That could be a rash assumption, true, but what else am I to make of it?

Nevertheless I demand an explanation of some sort.

To start with I'd like to know how I ended up in this strange western film.  I don't remember auditioning.  I clearly remember packing my things up in London and traveling across the ocean and then the continent to arrive in California.  I remember that my visa was up and I had no choice but to return home.  I remember that California was drier and less green than I'd recalled.  And then, I remember waking up here in some sort of strange western film without John Wayne in it to lead the action.  I do NOT remember an audition.  When exactly was it that I was selected to play the heroine in a western film?

Again, train tracks, boardwalk, small house from Gold Rush days.  This feels like a film set.  It can't be my life, can it?

So you're choosing not to answer I see.  I am assuming by the protracted silence that you are denying such things are, or could ever be, true.  People do not just wake up in Western films you say with your decided lack of words.

In this dry western desert I struggle to grow any flowers.  Note the overwhelming amount of dry dust around.

And yet, here I am.  I live in an old farm house, parts of which date to the 1880's.  There are chickens running around in my yard and I have to worry about defending them from the coyotes.  I stamp my boots on the mat to get the dry brown desert dust off of them and I have found a hat indispensable in this hot sunny climate.  I had to chase a "bad guy" out of my house the other week as if this were a lawless town where help and the sheriff are several miles ride from here.  I stomped across a board-walk last weekend to listen to the community band play in the town park's gazebo.  And there are lots of little tumbleweeds growing in my yard.

Tumbleweed!!!  I am growing tumbleweed!

Two months ago I was living in London and now I'm chasing criminals out of my house and raising tumbleweed, dust and chickens.  I used to stroll down wrought-iron lined pavements and now I'm stamping along wooden board-walks.  Two months ago I neatly side-stepped inebriates on London's streets and now I listen for the howl of coyotes before I let my cat outside at night.

Sometimes it all feels like a terrible joke.  Except I'm not laughing people.  So, if you happen to be in charge of casting, or you're the director, or some such nonsense, I have a few things to discuss with you.  Firstly, I would like the bad guys to stop visiting my ranch and busting in through my door.  John Wayne isn't here to help out with the brawling and jailing of said nasty individuals.  Until he is I will not stand for any more intruders.  Secondly, I'm not sure why you cast me in a western, but I'd like the plot to change a little.  I'd like a little less madness if you don't mind.  Not to mention fire.  Why is there always fire in a western?  This southern California film has been no exception.  I'd like to request a cessation of fires as well.  And if you happen to throw in a few strokes of good fortune and maybe give me a job or money I won't complain either.

Well, that's about all for now.  I've got to go corral a few chickens and herd some tumbleweed before I sit peaceably on my front porch watching the sun as it sets over the desert hills.  And I need to ponder the acquisition of a horse.  If I'm to continue living in this western film I may need one.