Thursday, 3 May 2012

Death by Broccoli.

People love telling others what to do, especially when it comes to eating.  Eat your vegetables is a favourite command among parents.  "Vegetables are good for you" everyone says as you grow older.  People love to tell you how good veggies are for you.  And everyone loves to tell you how good broccoli is.  You aren't allowed to dislike it.  It is rich in fiber and vitamin K.  It can even provide you with vitamin C so you aren't at risk of scurvy.  A common problem on land, of course.  Lord knows, if it weren't for those forced mouthfuls of broccoli I would have succumbed to scurvy on many an occasion in my youth.

"Ha", you think if you are reading this as a child, "when I grow up I won't eat broccoli anymore".  I hate to break it to you kid, but I thought the same thing once.  It is not as simple as that.

When it comes to broccoli you are rarely allowed to refuse it, even as an adult.  If broccoli is involved in a meal and you choose not to eat it everyone is suddenly very concerned about your health.  It doesn't matter that it tastes bitter and bland all at once.  It doesn't matter that you can't mask its taste in butter, cheese or any substance known to man.  It doesn't even matter that its prickly little florets cling to your tongue, taste buds, and throat, refusing to be swallowed and putting up a desperate fight all the way down to your stomach.  No.  If you don't want broccoli you MUST be unhealthy.  Clearly you aren't eating enough fiber.  You must not be getting enough vegetables.  No other food will do.  You must eat the broccoli.

Well, I won't stand for it.  I've had enough of being told how wonderful broccoli is for me.  I just don't like it.  I'll eat other vegetables, and in great quantities too, if that will make you happy, but I'm not eating broccoli anymore.  I can get my vitamins from other sources.  I'll make sure my diet has enough fiber.  But I am through with broccoli.  I simply won't buy it and you can't make me eat it.  I AM an adult after all.  I can make this sort of decision for myself.  And yet, here I am staring at broccoli.  What happened? 

The other day my housemate was getting ready to leave for a week and was trying to empty out her refrigerator before she left.  Along with some other edible substances I suddenly found myself in possession of broccoli, that dreaded vegetable of tongue-clinging fame.  I didn't want to just throw it away.  That would have been wasteful and I hate wasting food.  This put me in an awkward position.  I realized I might have to suffer through eating the broccoli.  So, I placed it in my refrigerator with a heavy heart, postponing the inevitable torture for another day.

Then I had a brilliant idea.  I couldn't throw away the broccoli, but I could play with it.  I could turn my broccoli into an art project.  Then it would no longer be wasted by me AND I wouldn't have to eat it.  So I decided to take photos of broccoli that portrayed its true nature.  Photos that penetrated deep into broccoli's soul.  Photos that warned others about the true dangers of this horrifying vegetable.

Have you ever looked at broccoli and noticed how strange it looks with it's funny arms and leafy head?  Does it not seem a little creepy to you?  Can you imagine it with a pair of mean, slanting, narrowed eyes and a gaping mouth?

True nature of Broccoli
Can you not see a killer?  I can.  I'm just saying that maybe we shouldn't eat things that have faces like that.  Not so fast, you say, what harm could broccoli do?

Let us examine this case more closely.  Look closely at its face.
Muderous veggie: Evil broccoli
This is not the lovable face of a vitamin bearing vegetable.  This is the vicious face of a murderous veggie.  Now, let us think about the things that this face is capable of.  Is it the sort of face that could commit this kind of atrocity?
Dead broccoli
Killed by a murderous broccoli.
I think so.  Is it the sort of face that would also be capable of this?
Murderous Broccoli eating a strawberry victim
Why, Broccoli, why?  What did the strawberry ever do to you?
Yes, I think it would.
Death by Broccoli
To die so young... it is such a heartbreak.
Such senseless waste. 
Killer Veggie: Death by Broccoli
Killer Veggie Strikes Again Murdering Innocent Fruit
This is the face of a heartless murderer.  It is the face of a monster capable of murdering innocent fruit.  And why you may ask?  Greed.  The distinction of being rich in fiber was not enough.  Broccoli envied the strawberry for it's nutritional value.  Strawberries do provide you with fiber, and vitamin K like broccoli does, but they also have vitamin A (for healthy skin), D (the crucial "sunshine vitamin"), E (to help build blood cells), C (about as much as an orange to prevent that troublesome scurvy), B (I don't know all of what it does, but it appears to be good for brain health) and a host of other nutrients including magnesium that are all good for your body.  What really made broccoli raging mad though was how good the strawberry tasted.  All those nutrients were packed inside one beautifully red, amazingly sweet and sugary, yet good for you, piece of fruit.  How could it be so?  The broccoli wanted to be the most nutritious so it decided to eliminate its competition.

If you want to help stop the fruit genocide...
Dead strawberries and broccoli
or you are concerned about the possibility of an army of undead broccoli...
Zombie Broccoli

Act now!  Boycott broccoli!  Save the strawberries!  Prevent the Broccoli Zombie Apocalypse!  And enjoy your meals at last!

For the record, I am a healthy, moderately responsible adult.  I do not eat broccoli.  I do get enough fiber and vitamins and nutrients in my diet.  In case you don't believe me about strawberries and their inherent nutrients (and in light of the post I have just created I don't blame you), then check on strawberries yourself.  You can see a list of vitamins that strawberries contain and a chart of some of the other nutrients that strawberries and other fruits contain, from slightly more reputable sources.  I did warn you I was mad.  And I'm not even saying that we should never eat veggies.  I just don't want to eat things that look like this sort of face belongs on them.    
Zombie Broccolis
I don't trust them.  Can you blame me?  Look what they did to my beloved strawberries.  Now if you'll excuse me I have some fruit I need to consume.

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