The Madder Hatter

We have a Winner, it's Co-infections!

And now... for Bartonella Symptoms

A Doctor who Listens, Hallelujah!

The Longest Night of the Year - and - The Great Conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn

Last night was the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year. I don't know about you, but it has felt to me as though 2020 has been full of more darkness and long, suffering nights than average. Since last night was the Winter Solstice, I wanted to mark the end of the longest nights and welcome the beginning of longer days and more light. So, I went on a contemplative adventure with my boyfriend to watch the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn, an event that happens once every 800 years, and then think about what I wanted the future days to hold.

Sign of Hope

We started by driving to the beach to watch the sunset and see the first glimpses of the Conjunction over the ocean. Technically the closest the two planets got was at 2pm that day, but you couldn't see them until later when the sun was setting. Some people started calling the Conjunction, the Christmas Star. Now, I know it's not a star, but I do think it is fitting that an event this rare, coincided with the longest night of 2020. It's been a year for the history books in many of the most unpleasant ways, but I think there is much to be hopeful for. And I think it's not an accident that the Conjunction, or the Christmas Star if you prefer, happened on the shortest day of the year. I think it's a sign of hope.

Call me sentimental if you like, dismiss me as "woo-woo", decide I'm a looney romantic poet who lives for feelings and doesn't understand facts. But just consider for a moment how coincidental this whole thing is in reality. This was an astrological event that only happens once in 800 years, and it happened in 2020, a year that has seen a pandemic that hasn't been rivaled in scale since the Spanish flu in 1918 (or possibly the Black Plague). What's more, this conjunction didn't just happen on any random day of 2020, it Precisely on the Winter Solstice, of one of the worst years of recent memory. Even if you think it is all just a coincidence, revel in the wonder that it's such a large one and feel a bit of magic in it. Then go back to your hard logic and cold facts, I won't deny you. But I digress. I'm simply trying to say it would be a mistake to allow the austerity of science to rob you of the joy of being alive to witness such a rare coincidence. (If you are curious about a few more scientific facts about the Great Conjunction, you can visit this page). Now, onward.

I think there is much to be hopeful for despite the many, and obvious, terrible things that 2020 has brought us all. I know that we have all suffered, almost immeasurably. Only in later eras, when our history is summed up in chapters will anyone be able to grasp the scale of suffering relative to other times. We feel it, but we cannot really understand it, because it is too close, far too personal. However, with great earthquakes and shake-ups, comes great change. We have the opportunity to reimagine systems that before this year would have been too entrenched to change. No matter how broken it is, if a system is ancient, it is hard to change or replace. We have suffered through the earth-shattering and now it is time to rebuild our society and our systems in a way that is better. We can finally address many of the issues that have bothered us but have felt powerless to tackle.

I am confident that out of the ashes of our sorrows and tribulations in 2020 we can gather ourselves into a glorious Phoenix and rise with new strength, beauty, and dignity.

So we watched the Conjunction dip slowly towards the sea and we decided we needed to hike up to a more isolated spot to watch it set beneath the horizon. We went to Cowles Mountain and hiked up to a place on the trail that has a circle of stacked stones. And it seemed a bit more secluded and contemplative than a busy parking lot above a beach with constant cars moving in and out. So we sat and watched the Conjunction as it slowly sank across the horizon and I thought.

Build Upon What Has Come Before

I thought about what we have been through and what I want to come in the future. We are none of us creating and acting in a vacuum. We have the great privilege of being able to take advantage of everything that has come before us. That is the privilege of the present. We don't have to reinvent the things that we have inherited. We don't have to start from scratch, we can build upon the foundation that others have already laid.

So, I looked around me at the stacks of stones, standing sentinel in the night, surrounded by other rocks, and realized that I was looking at numerous foundations of work done by others who had come to the mountain before me. I approached a compelling stack of rocks, odd angles, and unintuitive shapes holding up an improbably and beautiful natural architectural tower. I studied it and tried to understand how all of its shapes and angles held it up just so. Then I selected a small rock from the ground nearby and I added it to what had come before.

Rebuild What Has Been Broken

I looked around at the many stacked rocks and noticed how many of them had fallen. Knocked over by malevolent forces, or accidental victims of strong winds, or perhaps flawed creations that could not stand. I saw them not as jumbled rocks but as dreams that had not been realized. I thought about the way that all of us experience pain and setbacks in life. It is inevitable. You cannot avoid dealing with brokenness and failures in life. But you can choose what happens after you have fallen. You control how you respond.

I chose to be very deliberate, not to take on responsibility for all the broken dreams, but to perceive them at a distance and then choose one and only one that I thought I could rebuild. It can be too much to take on responsibility for other people's pain. It is not better to take on so much external pain and feel it so deeply that you yourself become crippled by it. This can be a hard thing for a sensitive person to navigate. Sometimes you cannot help but empathize, but I am practicing noticing how much pain is in the world and choosing not to take it all on. I am practicing setting boundaries for myself so that I can keep going, keep helping, and keep creating for myself. So, I chose one fallen stack and I carefully and lovingly rebuilt it.

Make Something Beautiful to Add to the World

Lastly, I feel it is important for all of us to do something to make the world beautiful. It can be your lifelong pursuit. We are all so different, but it is this beautiful diversity that makes the world rich. Some people are artists, some people are healers, some people are full of wisdom to share, others are great at listening. We, all of us, have something beautiful to offer the world. And the world is in need of beauty just now. I looked around and found a spot in this circle of stacked stones that I felt needed more beauty. I chose it as the site of my own rock tower. I selected stones that were unique but also echoed the shape of the one that they would be placed on and I crafted an improbable looking rock stack of my own.

Then I looked up and saw that my boyfriend had been taking loose stones and making a spiral pattern around a central rock stack. It was beautiful. This rock circle was now a rock spiral with one more tower. We watched the stars for a few more minutes and then we returned home to dream of hopeful days to come, filled with beauty and meaning.

I pray that you will find hope even now and see that you can make progress by adding a single stone to what came before, that you can rebuild those things that were broken and rise up with renewed purpose like a Phoenix, and that on these new wings propped up by what has come before you can add something new and beautiful to the world.

Friday 11 December 2020

Wait for the Stars

The dark has fallen,

But wait for the stars.

The darkness may be deepening,

But wait for the stars.

Even if the clouds pour rain upon you,

They must soon pass, so wait,

Wait for the stars.

I know you fear the darkness you have already seen,

But this is not an endless nightmare.

Wait for the stars.

You are haunted by the dark of broken dreams,

But this is only the nighttime,

Wait for the stars.

No matter how dark it is,

Or how dark it was,

There is always hope,

Even if it is very small and very far away.

Even if it is only one faint star in the whole of the sky.

Do not let the darkness overwhelm you,

One star will always bring more.

Just wait.

Please wait.

Wait for the stars.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rest Gently Shadow my boy. One day I will see you again in the stars. Til then I will wait for grief to pass slowly like the nighttime. I will trust in the stars even when I cannot see them. Soon, soon one will shine and the light will increase and slowly the grief will fade.

Saturday 5 December 2020

A Doctor who Listens, Hallelujah!

This week marks my first visit to the third doctor I've gone to for Lyme Disease. The first was a fine doctor, diagnosed me, but is not Lyme Literate and encouraged me to go looking for someone who was. The second doctor claimed to be Lyme Literate, but for reasons which may be largely personal was a disaster for me. Doctor number two was also very heavily into running tests. As all of us poor unfortunate souls with Lyme know, testing is inconclusive, expensive, miserable, and rarely especially helpful. We need a doctor who listens and can treat our symptoms even if a test cannot confirm that we have Lyme and a sordid assortment of co-infections.

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to report that I believe have found a near-mythical beast, a Doctor who listens. Doctor number three is Lyme Literate! Doctor #3 listens to what I say about my symptoms! Dr. #3 already has a treatment plan, no other tests required!

I truly cannot say what a relief it is to believe I finally have a Doctor in my corner who knows how to treat Lyme and is willing to start working with me on it. Don't get me wrong, it's still a long road. My initial treatment plan involves getting my gut back in working order before we try to put me back on gnarly antibiotics or any other drugs.

It's necessary work, my gut is a disaster after nearly a year of being on antibiotics (on and off, but mostly on) with little effect. So, the process is going to take a bit of time. But as Dr. #3 says, beating Lyme is like playing chess. You have to know where you want to be three moves ahead and see what things you can do to get there. It's long, it's difficult, it's a war, not a single battle. And I aim to win with Dr. #3 as my royal strategist by my side.

Lord, please grant that my Doctor has answers, that my body responds, and that my healing is swift.

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

All Things Lyme Disease Page

Do I have Lyme Disease or West Nile Virus? or a Co-infection?

Tuesday 24 November 2020

Jane Austen's Lady Susan - Movie Adaptation Love and Friendship

Published posthumously, Lady Susan is a short epistolary novella written by Jane Austen. Without giving too much away, the plot involves a rather calculating Lady Susan, a widow. Lady Susan is clever and charming. She's so clever and charming that she manages to walk through her life and create eddies of chaos around her as she goes. She's a widow of incredible beauty and intelligence and is on a mission to secure her future by finding a husband for herself and her reluctant daughter Frederica.

Love and Friendship is a 2016 film adaptation of Lady Susan.

Love and Friendship 2016 - Kate Beckinsale

Simply put this movie is amazing. Lady Susan played by the incomparable Kate Beckinsale who sweeps us away in this incredible role. I cackled out loud at least three separate times. The audacity, the pluck, the charm! Lady Susan is not your typical Jane Austen heroine. She doesn't sit around politely doing all the right things and waiting for an unjust world to miraculously yield a happy ending to her. Lady Susan goes out into the world with determination, and with nothing but cunning, wit, and charm, demands the world yield to her. It is a delightful thing to watch her charm and scheme her way into and out of situations.

Every time you see her unique reasoning and wording popping out of someone else's mouth you know that she has gotten under their skin and won them over to her cause. It's simply delightful. I rather enjoyed watching Lady Susan wrap men around her fingers and get her way.

Slightly untraditionally for a Jane Austen novel, Lady Susan is not punished for her bad behavior and impropriety. Yet, don't despair, the other characters still get happy endings as one has come to expect from Jane Austen novels.

The cinematography was gorgeous. The clothes and locations are all perfection. Kate Beckinsale is perfection in this role. Even knowing all her mischievous schemes, we still want her to succeed, and this is largely due to the charm that Kate Beckinsale exudes in this role. She knows how to be clever, commanding, endearing, and difficult in just the right measures.

I adore the letter reading scene with Sir Reginald DeCourcy and Lady DeCourcy. The fact that he offers to read her the letter and doesn't seem to know that she wants to know more than the first sentence. Then must be told not to read the punctuation. It's so cute and random. I love it.

This is certainly not my all-time favorite Jane Austen story, but it's so beautifully done that it ranks rather high on my list of all movie adaptations. The only thing I wish they'd really done differently was the beginning. I didn't love meeting the characters with title cards. I know they were trying to establish complex relationships quickly without getting mired in too much back story. However, I found I had to keep pausing the movie and rewinding to fully process the title cards. I wish they'd let Kate Beckinsale simply narrate the title cards rather than have you do so much quick reading to establish the characters all at once in the beginning.

The love interests are all exactly what one would wish them to be. There is the brooding and still "divinely attractive man", Lord Manwaring. There is the charming and loveable Reginald DeCourcy who we watch fall for Lady Susan and then like him the better for being appalled by her behavior, even if he is hurt. Sir James Martin is such a dolt that you can hardly believe he exists. But he's so amiable and funny that you can't even hate him for it. And it leads to some delightful dialogue such as "He has offered you the one thing of value he has to give — his income." It is accurate, cutting, rude and without mean intent. It's simply a statement of bald facts in a way we aren't used to seeing from characters in Austen novels. It made me cackle, rather uproariously, of course.

Oh, and let's not forget that Stephen Fry is the husband of Lady Susan's particular friend, Alicia, an American in exile for supporting the British. Everything Stephen Fry does is incredible and he is no less brilliant in this role, even if it is a small part of the story.

I rather like that when we first meet Charles Vernon we get the idea that he's too simple to understand how dangerous Lady Susan is. But as the movie goes on I think it's really him that has the clearest picture of her and is unswayed, he knows she's no good, but also still admires the way she has dealt with her misfortunes. He may be the only one with an unbiased opinion of her. It's marvelous.

All in all, Lady Susan is delightfully wicked, and I loved it! If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. I'll say no more at present. I'll simply leave you with a handful of hilarious quotes and a collection of gorgeous stills from the movie itself.

"If she was going to be jealous she should not have married such a charming man!"

"In one's plight is one's opportunity"

"I wanted her to be delighted with me. But I didn't succeed. It's true I've always detested her and that before her marriage, I went to great lengths to prevent it. Yet it shows an illiberal spirit to resent for long a plan that didn't succeed."

"There's a certain pleasure in making a person predetermined to dislike instead acknowledge one's superiority."

"The fallacy of youth. Isn't it rather clear that we, women of decision, hold the trumps?"

"Americans really have shown themselves to be a nation of ingrates. Only by having children can one begin to understand such a dynamic."

"Our present comfortable state is of the most precarious sort. We don't live. We visit. We're entirely at the mercy of our friends and relations. As we discovered so painfully at Langford. Here you seem to have won your aunt's affections. I think I served you well there, for I believe she'd do anything to spite me. But such a dynamic cannot continue forever."

"He has offered you the one thing he has of value to give - his income."

"Facts are horrid things."

"What a mistake you made marrying Mr. Johnson. Too old to be governable. Too young to die."

More Jane Austen

If you need even more Jane Austen Discussion in your life, here are some more posts and discussions of movie adaptations of Jane Austen.

I have a whole page dedicated to Jane Austen where you can find my rankings of different movie adaptations and essays etc.

All Things Jane Austen

Detailed Discussions of all the Austen Movie Adaptations

To see my ranking of Every Jane Austen Movie Adaptation, go here.

For my discussion/ranking of all the Pride and Prejudice adaptations, you can go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Persuasion Adaptations, you can go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Emma Adaptations, you can go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Sense and Sensibility Adaptations, you can go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Mansfield Park Adaptations, you can go here.
For my discussion/ranking of all the Northanger Abbey Adaptations, you can go here.

For my discussion/ranking of all the "Not-Quite-Austen's" you can go here.

Sunday 15 November 2020

And now... for Bartonella Symptoms

So, I'm really confident that I actually have Babesia, and I'm pretty sure I also have Bartonella. For a fun look at Bartonella, I'm going to list out the symptoms as presented in the article, "TOUCHED BY LYME: A close look at six Lyme-related infections."

So, here we go:

Many people have Bartonella or Bartonella-like (BLO) infections in their bodies. They are perhaps the most abundant infections in people because many veterinarians say that 80 percent of all house cats and nearly 100 percent of all hunting cats carry Bartonella microbes. Fleas bite cats and infect them with the Bartonella-like organisms, which are then transmitted to humans when they get bitten by the flea. Bartonella and BLO infections are therefore probably the most common of the vector-borne Lyme disease co-infections.

People who have active Bartonella symptoms have much more pain than people who are manifesting predominantly Babesia-related symptoms. The first thing out of their mouths is usually, “You have to help me with my pain.” They have pain in their joints and the connective tissue around their joints. This joint pain will migrate to other areas of the body. So for instance, patients with active Bartonella might have knee pain, but just when they are about to go to the doctor for the pain, the pain will migrate to the left elbow. The hallmark symptom of Bartonella is sensitivity and tenderness on the bottom of the feet, especially the soles.

I have pain mainly in my hands. Once or twice I've had pain in my toes, a few times I've had pain in my knees. But I almost always have pain somewhere in my hands. Most days it's in the right hand, sometimes the left, sometimes both. The affected fingers and joints rotate. Migratory joint pain is not typical of arthritis. But it's very possible that it's symptomatic of Bartonella.

Generalized pain in the body, or pain that is sharp and severe, is often related to Bartonella. Bartonella can also cause headaches and ice pick-like pain. Both Babesia and Bartonella cause headaches, but Bartonella headaches are worse. A Babesia headache produces more weird sensations in the head and pressure in the head. People with active Babesia infections will say, “I don’t know if I’d really call what I have a headache. It’s more like a pressure in the head.” Babesia can cause migraines as can Bartonella, but Babesia migraines are generally less severe. Bartonella prefers the occipital areas of the head; the back of the head and neck are generally painful. So pain is a dominant characteristic of Bartonella.

I have pain in my neck and shoulders. Constant, irritating, muscle pain. Some days it's really bad, some days it's just an irritation. But constant muscle-soreness is a problem I've dealt with for the last two years. And no, I'm not doing anything to account for it. I'm not sleeping weird on my pillows, or lifting tons of weights. If I do any activity that causes slight muscle-soreness, I have disproportionately bad muscle pain.

I defintely had intense headaches last year when I hadn't started antibiotics yet. I currently have more of the weird pressure and "almost headaches" that sound like they are more related to Babesia than Bartonella. But I have a lot of pain in my neck, shoulders and also my hands that I think are very likely from a Bartonella infection.

All of these slow-growing intracellular infections affect the brain but create different symptom patterns, according to which infection is dominant or most active. I see more depression in people with active Babesia but less variability of mood, whereas people with active Bartonella may be irritable and anxious but then “flip over” into depression. Many people with Bartonella infections are misdiagnosed as having bi-polar disorder due to their fluctuating moods; they can easily go from being angry and irritable to being depressed.

I honestly don't know if my memory trouble is more Babesia or Bartonella dominant. I'm defintely more depressed than angry. But in the description of Babesia, the symptoms of a dominant Babesia infection included anxiety and FEAR. I have definitely struggled with anxiety and fear this year. But also depressino. So, I'll leave it up to wiser persons than myself to determine of my brain fog and moodiness is related more to Babesia or to Bartonella.

Bartonella-like organisms can also stay on the surface of the organs and tissues and cause a wide array of symptoms. One such symptom is gastritis. In fact, most cases of gastritis that aren’t caused by Helicobacter pylori infections are often caused by Bartonella, which is the second-most common cause of this condition. It can irritate the stomach so that people lose their appetite and/or get heartburn.

Well, I've definitely had trouble with symptoms that sound like gastritis. Of course, it could be the effect of months of antibiotics in my system that is causing so much trouble. It could also be that all my symptoms of gastritis are caused by Bartonella. I have had a lot of trouble with loss of appetite, heartburn and nausea. Although the nausea started before the antibiotics, so, there's a good chance it's from the infection and is in fact a symptom of Bartonella.

Bartonella can cause a low-level, relapsing sore throat. People with active infections will periodically awaken with sore throats and wonder if they are coming down with a cold, but then the sore throat will go away.

I have been waking up with the tiniest hint of a sore throat. This is obviously not a very good time to be wondering if you are coming down with something. I have wondered more than once, if I've caught covid-19. It's a little bit stressful. To say the least.

Bartonella irritates the bladder and can cause frequent urination, interstitial cystitis, or other chronic inflammatory conditions of the urinary system.

I don't have other problems with this, but I do have pelvic pain that occurs randomly and it's completely unconnected to my period. So that's fun.

Bartonella can also cause fevers, but for patients to be able to run a fever, they need to have a relatively functional immune system, so not everyone who has a Bartonella infection will get a fever. Yet people will often feel hot, as if they have a fever, but their body temperature may be low normal.

I did have a very low grade fever for approximately an hour. (During covid this is not a fun thing to experience even briefly). I do frequently feel as though I'm hot but I do not usually have a fever. It feels like I'm constantly gaslighting myself.

Bartonella can affect the eyes and cause conjunctivitis, or inflammation of the outermost layer of the eye, which results in irritated, dry red eyes, as well as other eye problems.

Bartonella cause more skin-related problems than the other infections. Red bands or stretch marks on the skin called striae are common, as are acne and other skin problems.

I don't really have trouble with my eyes. I have been having trouble with acne. I have also been having little red stretch marks appearing. They aren't large or particularly frequent, but they are showing up.

Bartonella lives in the liver and spleen where it inflames these organs and compromises their functioning. When the liver and spleen are inflamed, the filtering capacity of the blood is affected, resulting in thick blood. People with Bartonella may have slightly elevated liver enzymes on lab tests. For instance, the alanine aminotransferase (ALT) test score may be just outside of the normal range and high only intermittently. The inflammation that Bartonella causes in the liver and spleen can compromise the body’s detoxification system in a major way, though. When the spleen is compromised, the lymph glands may also become swollen, which then causes the lymph flow to become thick, sludgy and slow.

I have had lots of swollen lymph nodes throughout the last two years. I've had the swollen lymph nodes noted by the doctor who didn't believe in the possibility of co-infections or post-treatment Lyme. He kept asking me if I had a cold or whatnot.

I'm less confident about this one. But I would be completely unsurprised if I have both Babesia and Bartonella.

For more on co-infections, here's the informative article called TOUCHED BY LYME: A close look at six Lyme-related infections, that I drew the symptoms from. I highly suggest reading it if you have Lyme Disease or suspect you have Lyme Disease.

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

Memory Struggles with Lyme

Do I have Lyme Disease or West Nile Virus? or a Co-infection?

Just for Fun let's Look at Babesia Symptoms

So, it's hard to find good information that isn't dismissive, and list-oriented without detail or facts. This article called "TOUCHED BY LYME: A close look at six Lyme-related infections", is amazing. So, just for my own sanity, I'm going to list out the portion on Babesia and talk about which symptoms I have.

Here we go.

"Babesia, or Babesia-like organisms (BABLO) primarily affect the brain and autonomic nervous system. The first words that a patient with active Babesia-like organisms in his body might say are that he can’t focus or think. His cognitive function is significantly compromised, and his mood is almost always affected. Both depression and anxiety are very common. A person with Babesia has a lot of emotional upheaval; fear is a dominant symptom."

Oh yes, I definitely have said that I can't think. It's actually gotten worse and become a huge thing for me recently. I forgot how to tie a bow one day and couldn't braid my hair the other day. And my mood has been anxious. I've been going to acupuncture for anxiety for the last two years because I've intensely anxious, about everything and nothing. And it's different than normal anxiety. To me, what I would describe as "Lyme anxiety", feels different. One minute I'm happily singing away to myself as I do dishes, the next I'm having a panic attack... about nothing. I have been flipping between anxiety and depression for no apparent reason. Yes, 2020 has been hard, but I'm having trouble beyond that.

"Babesia also can affect the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for much of the “automatic” functions of the body, such as heartbeat, breathing, etc. This means that the communication between the brain and body is affected, so any physical symptoms that patients have from Babesia can be related more to autonomic nervous system dysfunction rather than the organisms themselves. For instance, Babesia can cause postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS); a racing heart at rest and/or an irregular heartbeat and heavy pounding heart at night, but the problem isn’t in the heart. The problem is that the autonomic nervous system isn’t functioning properly."

I definitely have this... I have said that "Lyme anxiety" feels different, and it often starts with a randomly racing heart rate for me. I have had trouble sleeping because I lay down and my heart rate is randomly excessively elevated. I have had trouble breathing this year, and I just thought I was having more trouble with allergies, but I think it's Babesia. I would take a Benadryl and it wouldn't help, which suggests I've been having Babesia affecting my lungs, not an allergen.

"Shortness of breath is also common, because people with Babesia don’t regulate their oxygen-saturation flow properly due to problems in the autonomic nervous system (ANS). Such people feel a sense of “air hunger” because the ANS isn’t dilating their bronchial tubes or opening their diaphragm properly, because these parts of their body are not getting the signal to do so from the command center in brain."

I have had trouble breathing this year, and I just thought I was having more trouble with allergies, because they mostly affect my lungs by causing a little shortness of breath. But I now think it's been Babesia all along. I would take a Benadryl and it wouldn't help, which suggests I've been having Babesia affecting my lungs, not an allergen.

"Additional symptoms of Babesia include lots of drenching sweats and chills. Babesia is a relative of the malarial organism and is part protozoan and part bacteria. So as with malaria, people can get terrible chills and lots of sweats and basically feel like they are going crazy. People with Babesia are often quite chilled and can’t get warm and will have to take a hot shower or jump in a bathtub to warm up. The temperature de-regulation is again related to a dysfunctional autonomic nervous system. So, people either can’t get warm, or they get too hot. They turn down the thermostat at night because they are too hot, but then they get too cold while in bed and so turn it back up by a degree. They freeze when going to bed and throw the covers on; then, in the middle of the night, they get boiling hot and throw the covers off and drench their bedclothes in sweat."

I have had a lot of trouble keeping warm. I had a period of time where I had drenching sweats and chills at night but I'm not having that now. I am always cold, however. I would go to accupunture and relax and then it would take me two or three hours of sitting in the sun on a rock at the beach to warm up. Then all of a sudden, a few hours in, I'd realize I was boiling hot. I'd take off jackets and layers and suddenly be cold again. I also have the same problem with temperature when I'm trying to sleep. I'm freezing and then I'm hot and then I'm freezing again. And when I've gone camping, I freeze and I can't get warm again. It'll take me hours into the next day to finally warm up. Same thing at night if I go to look at the stars, I'll freeze and I'll have to jump in the shower to get my body back up to normal. Then I overheat and nearly pass out from being too hot in the shower. I've joked that I've become a for-real lizard because I have no control of my temperature, but it's not actually funny or fun.

"Insomnia is common as Babesia affects the sleep center in the brain."

I have had a lot of trouble with insomnia for the past two years. Again, I thought it was related to the anxiety, but honestly, I've had more trouble sleeping the last two years than any other period of time in my life. I've actually had to start taking sleep aids to try to regulate my sleeping and give me the ability to get some rest.

"Other symptoms include blurred vision, bowel-motility issues and bladder difficulties. People with Babesia will either have trouble starting their urinary stream or will go through episodes of incontinence. They may also have problems with bowel motility; usually constipation, but can also sometimes have diarrhea due to autonomic nervous system de-regulation."

I will spare you details. I will simply say, yes. It's not fun, people.

"A dominant Babesia infection also can affect certain areas of the wrists, hands, ankles and feet. These areas can be painful, numb or experience temperature extremes."

I originally went to the doctor for all of this because of hand pain. My fingers have been dealing with arthritis-like pain for two years. It rotates around to different finger joints and just fucking hurts. I thought it was symptomatic of Lyme, but it's possible it's symptomatic of Babesia.

"Babesia does not generally cause pain in the body, so if a person has pain, then it’s usually due to another problem. The picture is always complicated though because people with Babesia who have a compromised detoxification system will have pain in their body as a result of poor waste removal. But, the pain is not from the infection itself."

If this is true, and if my pain is related to poor waste removal... it's possible that I can potentially help fix that and get relief. This is the most hopeful thing I've learned/heard of in weeks.

"These are what I call clearly identifiable Babesia symptoms in those patients who have an immune system that is not terribly depleted or who don’t have a compromised detoxification system or other conditions or infections that are currently active and which could complicate the symptom picture. The same holds true for the symptom patterns of all of the other infections described here."

Thus ends the article's section on Babesia. I have everything on this list but night sweats. I used to have them, now I'm just cold, always so cold. And I have other things that make sense if my nervous system isn't functioning properly. My nose sometimes gets this weird tingly sensation on the right side of it like I've come in out of the cold. It happens in the summer, in San Diego. It's definitely not related to actual temperature. But, perhaps it's related to dis-regulation of temperature caused by a dominant Babesia infection.

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

Memory Struggles with Lyme

Do I have Lyme Disease or West Nile Virus? or a Co-infection?

We have a Winner, it's Co-infections!

It's like I walked into a disease wholesale store and couldn't decide what to come down with... so I looked at the cahsier and said, aw, what the hell, I'll have one of each.

Test results last week:

West Nile, positive.

"But I don't believe that you have it," said the doctor. "And if you did all you could do is wait to get better and rest a lot. So we will run the test for co-infections"

Me: "Ok cool."

One week later...

Babesia positive FISH test.

Doctor: "But we don't know that you have it because you don't get cold sweats at night," (I do have almost all the other symptoms currently)

"Let's do another test for West Nile Virus just to make sure..." says the doctor

Sure, why not? I mean, we didn't trust the first test. Let's just run another one we won't trust.

How many tests do you need to run before you finally trust one of them? We all know that testing for Lyme and co-infections is impossible and notoriously inaccurate. So, at what point are you going to just treat me for the symptoms that I have instead of faffing about with more tests?

I'm extremely symptomatic for Babesia. And it's really likely that I have Bartonella too. I even have a positive for Babesia. So, I'm not really sure what we're waiting for. How many tests do you need to be convinved? And why didn't we start with the convincing test? Not run four others we don't trust.

It's all so frustrating.

So, the current theory is that I have Babesia and Bartonella, common co-infections with Lyme. The reason that the antibiotics (doxycycline) helped but didn't make them go away was because Babesia and Bartonella are treated with different antibiotics, stronger ones, and Babesia also needs to be paired with an anti-parasitic. So, that could explain why doxycycline helps with the symptoms when I'm on it, but doesn't make them go away.

But don't worry, I'm going to run another test for Babesia and a different test for Bartonella. And just for kicks I'm going to run another test for West Nile Virus. So, let's see what results we get this time. But it's looking like I'm going to be on the hunt for a new doctor very soon. If anyone knows of a doctor in the San Diego area who knows how to treat Babesia, or other Lyme co-infections, I'm all ears.

Fun stuff over here!

For more on co-infections, there's an informative article called TOUCHED BY LYME: A close look at six Lyme-related infections.

For Other Posts about Lyme Disease see the following:

How Did I Get Lyme Disease?

Memory Struggles with Lyme